Living the single life

I thought that it would be a good idea to write about rocking the single life since it seems to have such a negative connotation nowadays.  Because for me, choosing to be single for awhile and to focus on living for Jesus and learning to love myself was the best decision I ever made.  What I say applies to guys too, but I am going to write from the women’s point of view since that is what I know.

         I want to start by saying that being single doesn’t have any affect on your worth.  The most beautiful girl inside and out can not be in a relationship and that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with her.  I think a lot of times we see people who are single for long periods of time and equate that to meaning that there is something wrong with them, that there must be a reason that no one is dating them.  But that isn’t always the case.  Sometimes it is just not their time to  settling down and other times, it is because they haven’t found the right man to match their standards or who is compatible with them.  

        There is such a great pressure in our generation to be in serious relationships starting at a young age.  It is like you aren’t cool if you’re single.  But again, your worth has nothing to do with your relationship status.  I personally think everyone should experience the single life for awhile before getting into a serious relationship because of how much it can help you learn and grow as a person.

I was that girl in high school and the beginning of college who was always dating someone.  It wasn’t because I couldn’t be on my own, I just liked being with boys and they helped me to feel like I had more worth.  This lead to a lot of unhealthy relationships and didn’t help how I viewed myself at all.  I basically depended on the relationships I was in to make me feel like I was worth it and to make me happy.  

        I have been living the single life for awhile now and yes, it was hard to be on my own at first, but honestly it is the best decision I have ever made.  I realized that I am not ready for a serious relationship.  When you are single, you continue to learn and grow so much personally and discover more about who you are while working towards who you want to become.  There is no one holding you back or judging your every move.  There is also no one to support you or do the work for you, so you have to learn to be independent and to work hard for yourself.  You have to motivate yourself everyday and keep yourself focused on your goals.  You have to clean and cook and keep pushing yourself to not give up.

I have found that it is in the hard times when you feel like you just can't carry and that you are alone that you truly learn to depend on God.  We often turn to Him when times are hard.  If we have a strong relationship with and learn to love and trust Heavenly Father (instead of depend on boys) during the hard times, then we can continue to have a strong relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when life is good and full of blessings.        

        When I was constantly in a relationship, I never learned to push myself because I either had a guy tell me that I was good enough how I was or who motivated me.  Being on my own, I have learned perseverance and how to motivate myself.  I don’t rely on boys to make me happy anymore.  I create my own sunshine and I love myself for who I am, not for who guys want me to be.

So many times I’ve been with boys who wanted me to look a certain way, dress a certain way, and do my make up a certain way because they like it.  I want to be myself but that can be so hard to do when you are still trying to figure out who you are and what you like.  And it is so hard to experiment with and discover your identity and wardrobe when you are dating someone because they will most likely have a preference on your style.  I had my feelings hurt so many times by boys who wanted me to wear more or less makeup or who didn’t like when i did anything with my hair or who didn’t like my favorite outfits.

But now that I am single, I can wear what makes me feel confident.  I can love myself without make up, but I can also have fun with my hair and makeup when I want to dress up and not worry about being judged.  I can figure out who I am without having a guy judge me for how I look on the outside.  I have learned how to be confident in myself and love myself for who I am and how I look.  I used to hate how I looked because I always felt like I had to live up to the expectations of the boys I was dating.  Now I can be confident in  and stay true to myself.  I can find a guy who likes me for who I am and doesn’t pressure me to be who I’m not or make me feel bad for being myself.  

Another thing I find that can be hard when you are constantly in a relationship are expectations.  Once you and your man know each other very well, there seems to be a set expectation on who you are and how you are going to act.  This, in my opinion, makes it very hard to continue trying new things and changing yourself.  As someone who is learning to live with a mental illness and truly be happy, as well as continue progressing as a disciple of christ, I find that I am always wanting to try new things and work on developing better habits.  I am always working to improve my attitude and my outlook on and reaction to life. I like adventure and trying new things with an open mind because you never know what might change your life for the better.

I have found that continuing to progress while in a relationship can be a challenge.  For me, it was hard to keep changing because the boys I was with didn’t want to continue changing, they were fine where they were at.  So when I kept working on myself, we wouldn’t be compatible after a while because i was a different person than when we first started dating.  Also, we all have behaviors and habits that we don’t like in ourselves and desire to change but I find that can be hard to do when someone always expects you to react a certain way or not like certain things.  Instead of letting you work on improving bad behavior, they either avoid what caused it or grudgingly always expect it.  It can hurt and make it hard for you to change when the boy you are dating doesn’t give you a chance after you mess up.  

Another thing that affects whether you are single or not is finding the right guy and it being at the right time in your life.  Believe it or not boys, sometimes girls choose not to be in relationships!  When your standards are high, it can be hard to find the right type of guy to date.  I believe that it is getting harder and harder to find righteous young men (and women for you boys) as the world is growing more wicked.  So many great men (and women) get lost in the ways of the world and don’t live up to their potential.  I would rather be single than settle for a man who doesn’t hold the same standards that I do.  I almost settled before because I just wanted to be loved, but it isn’t worth it.  

Girls, it is not worth giving up your standards to be with a boy.  If he is the right one, he will have similar standards.  Now, keep in mind there is no such thing as the perfect man.  But don’t sacrifice what you want most in this life for what you want now.  If religion is what is most important to you in a relationship, then don’t sacrifice a righteous man for a man who is a good person but doesn’t care about God just because you are lonely.  Set your standards before you start dating and hold fast to them.  No boy is worth lowering your standards for, I don’t care how cute he is.  

For me, the struggle is with men who aren’t of my faith.  There are so many great christian men out there who would treat me well and make me happy, but having a temple marriage and being united in our faith is a deal breaker for me. I want to marry a man who is a worthy priesthood holder in my church.  I advise you to think about what is most important to you in a relationship before you actually get into one.  I can’t tell you the number of times I fell for good men who weren’t compatible with me spiritually.  And since spirituality is a big deal to me, this led to many relationships turning sour and hurting both me and the boy I was dating.

I could’ve saved everyone a lot of heartbreak if I was clear and upfront about what was important to me at the beginning.  This would’ve led me and the boy I was dating to not invest so much time in a dead end relationship.  Not pursuing a serious relationship can be hard when you have deep feelings for someone, but girls, I don’t care how hot he is.  If the boy you want to date doesn’t live up to your standards, stay away from him.  Don’t compromise just because you are lonely or he is cute.  It is not worth it.  (same goes for you young men with the girls you date).  

It will be well worth all of the struggles of being single when you finally find the right guy for you.  But this will happen in God’s time and when you are ready.  I cannot stress the importance of timing enough.  Being a mormon, it is common for adults in my church to get married at a young age.  I see nothing wrong with that as long as the timing (and the person) is right for you.  It is so easy to get caught up in the excitement of being in a relationship, but I urge you to consider if you are ready for that in your life.  If you are, go for it!  And if you aren’t, that is ok!  There is nothing wrong with staying single.  I almost married the wrong man simply because everyone else was getting married and I wasn’t keen on being on my own.  Now I realize how important it is to be in a relationship for the right reasons.  It was hard to break off the engagement and then proceed to stay single (I’m still not dating haha), but it was the best thing I ever did.  It was the right decision for me.   

You experience and learn so much living the single life that you can’t while seriously dating someone or marrying before you are ready.  I highly recommend living with roommates and learning to be independent and to do hard things and believe in yourself before dating seriously.  A man doesn’t complete you or should be the only reason you are happy, he should complement/add to you and your joy.  If you can’t be happy while single, you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.  Just like worth, your happiness has nothing to do with your relationship status.  If you aren’t happy while single, dating someone is not going to make you happy.  Only you can make you happy.  I recommend that you learn to love yourself and be truly happy on your own first.  That was the best thing I ever did (and honestly it’s still a work in progress).

I suppose i just wrote a random rant about boys and dating, but I felt is was something that needs to be talked about.  Being single can be a great thing and I really do think that everyone should experience that season in their life.  Where you just have fun with friends and learn who you are and focus on your goals.  I also think it is important not to rush getting into a relationship just because everyone else is doing it or you are lonely.  God has a different plan for each of us.  Dating and marriage will be different for everyone.  

It is important to know what you want in your future spouse and to live up to your standards, no matter what they may be or how hard finding the right person seems to be.  Settling is not worth giving up what you want most in this life.  Family is everything.  And who you marry becomes your part of your family and life forever.  Who to spend the rest of your life (and eternity) with is one of the most important decisions you will make, don’t take it lightly.  It is good to take your time and meet a lot of people

My philosophy is: everyone gets a first date but not a second.  I like to give everyone a chance with a casual date, but I won’t give him a second date if he didn’t have the same standards as me or I didn’t get along well with him.  I think causally going on lots of dates with different boys is good because that is how you meet people and learn what you like and want in a spouse.  Don’t move onto seriously dating until you are ready emotionally and you have found the right person.

I have settled in the past and it was not worth it.  It set me back a lot and I had to learn to see worth in myself and to live up to my potential once the relationship was over.  It did more harm than good to both of us when I was in a relationship just because I didn’t want to be single.  If he doesn’t have similar goals and standards to yours or doesn’t treat you right, then he isn’t the one.  I don’t care how hot he is or how much you love him, please don’t settle.  You have so much potential, don’t give it up for just any guy.  It took me so long to come back from doing just that and it hurts me to see other girls stop progressing and reaching for their dreams because their man is holding them back.  You want a man who supports you and helps you to keep working on yourself and your goals (same goes for you gentlemen for the type of women you want).  

The best thing I ever did was take some time to be on my own and learn who I was.  I found my worth in Jesus and not in what the world thought of me.  I started to be more positive and to love what I saw in the mirror, even without makeup on.  When you find your worth in Christ, you always feel beautiful because that is how He always sees you.  You are always beautiful and worth it in Christ's eyes, no matter what.  He died for you because He loves each and everyone of us so much.  Don't ever question your worth or let a guy convince you that you aren't enough.

I also want to say that there are great guys out there.  I just have been discouraged because I haven’t had the best experiences with guys.  I settled when I shouldn’t have and spent so much time trying to please the wrong type of boy that I lost myself.  But that doesn’t mean there aren’t great men out there who do have manners and live high standards and work hard.  They do exist!  Don’t give up.  

Stop living for wanting to be in a relationship and enjoy the single life while you have it.  Because once it’s gone, you can’t get it back.  Go learn who you are and what you like.  Love yourself and learn to work hard and how to keep going even when things get tough.  Be silly and love life.  When the time is right, you will meet the man (or woman for you men) who will make all of the loneliness and heartache worth it.  But until that day, embrace the single life because there is nothing like it!    

I have so much fun just being silly with my roommates!

This picture may look silly but it means a lot to me.  It is
when I stopped living for boys and I found my worth
in Jesus.  I started loving myself and seeing that I
had beauty for who I was