About a year ago I talked about my story for the first time, hoping to let girls in similar situations know that they aren't alone and to hopefully help others avoid abusive relationships. Upon reading though everything after such a long period of time, I felt it was appropriate to write a new version. My outlook and thoughts have changed with time and I am able to write about this bad experience in a new light and with true honesty, shame, fear, and all.
Yes, this is a lot of writing! I struggled with putting myself in these situations for a good amount of time.
I have marked the most abusive relationship start for you in blue so if you just want to get a glimpse then you can find it easier. But if you have the time and the interest, I implore you to scan through the whole story as it builds off of each others.
The experiences I am sharing are the same as before, but simply more in depth and with a new lens.
I didn’t really know what was considered normal or not ok in a relationship when I started dating. Or what the warning signs were for abuse. I didn’t really realize what had even happened until it had been going on for years with all of the different boys I chose to date.
I admit that I have never been in a normal, healthy dating relationship in my life. And yet, while dating all of these boys, I wouldn’t have ever considered that I was in an abusive or unhealthy relationship at the time I was in them.
I grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but in an inactive home with a single parent. I was raised to be a good person, but not necessarily by all of the church standards. Throughout my teenage years it was a constant battle of being inactive and active in the church. I loved the gospel but I didn’t have my own strong testimony. I was constantly being tempted by the ways of the world and turning away from the Lord. As you will read below, it was constant rollercoaster with the gospel, but eventually I found my way back for good.
I was sexually abused for the first time when I was 14 by my first high school boyfriend. I wasn’t really sure why he wanted to do physical stuff all the time, I wasn’t really at the point of caring then. But I was bad at standing up for myself and setting boundaries. My warnings of not wanting to be touched inappropriately were quickly ignored once it was discovered that I would talk a big talk but let him get away with it anyways. So he would touch me how he wanted to when he wanted to.
I thought that this was just how being in a relationship was.
Maybe I didn’t like all of it, but I had heard that the physical side of relationships was normal. It was just what teenagers did. I constantly heard girls talk about doing those sort of things with their boyfriends and that it was normal for boys to just want to be physical. I was told things like “that’s just how they are”, “they can’t help it”, and “it’s how you show you care about him.” So I just figured that what I was experiencing was ok.
It got to the point where the boy I was with would constantly beg me to have sex with him, but I stood firm in that. He got away with touching me inappropriately and messing around under my shirt, but I never let him go further even when he tried. He would try to get me to look at him or touch him inappropriately but I wouldn’t. That wasn’t who I wanted to be or something that I was into. And eventually I realized that I didn’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t respect my boundaries. I wasn’t ready to date and I was too naive to realize that I was playing with fire when it came to teenage boys.
Looking back, I don’t think this boy thought that what he was doing was bad. He was simply a teenager with hormones who wanted to be physical and he thought it was ok to be touchy with me since we were dating. That doesn’t make how he treated me at all ok, but sometimes people just don’t know what is and isn’t ok.
A year or so later I started dating another older high school boy. This relationship wasn’t ever physically abusive. It was however emotionally abusive and manipulative (which is still not ok). Filled with constant mind games, he would often go back and forth between caring about me and ignoring me for awhile. He treated me differently when he was with his friends than when it was just us.
I was so confused at the time why someone who cared would treat you like dirt when other people were around. I started to lose confidence in myself and question my worth. Because I thought that the problem had to be me. That if I was worth loving then he would treat me better.
I was constantly confused about how he felt and what he wanted. He thought it was fun to play with my emotions and see how I’d react to things, so he was constantly messing with me.
Being in this relationship was exhausting. No matter how hard I tried to be better and look beautiful and put in effort, I felt like it was never enough. I was giving 110% and it felt like he barely cared. He did ask to be physical, but left it alone when I said no. What I didn’t realize at the time was that physical force isn’t the only way boys can get you to do what they want.
I was manipulated in my relationship, but in the end, I was the one who chose to have sex with him.
This is a decision I have regretted my whole life, but one that I cannot change. I reached the point in wanting the attention and validation and never feeling good enough that I thought it was worth compromising myself to make this boy like me. I wanted so badly to be loved that I thought that if I pleased him physically then he would treat me better and I would have more worth in his eyes.
Well that was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life.
I didn’t enjoy it myself, but I tried so hard to do what I thought would please the guy I was with. After this boy had gotten what he wanted from me physically, he shut me out. He wouldn’t speak to me for months afterwards, which led me to wonder again if I had worth. At the time, I truly believed that the only way to please men was to attend to their physical desires. That if I wasn’t good in bed then I had no worth and no one would ever want me.
I was at a point in my life where I was struggling with myself. I didn’t like myself very much or feel like I had worth. I didn’t feel loved or appreciated. I struggled with depression and anxiety. And I feared that I would be forever alone. I had a hole in my heart and instead of turning to the Lord to be healed, I tried to fill it with boys. I took my worth from the boys I was dating. Again and again, I valued myself how they treated me and thought that if I could be a perfect girlfriend, beautiful and always there for them and fulfilling their sexual desire, then I would be loved. I foolishly thought that that was what love was.
Because in high school, that is what I often saw. Relationships that were all about the physical pleasure and worldly things and about looking perfect. Where one person worked so hard to fulfill the needs of the other to make them happy (I saw relationships similar to mine where the girl felt the need to prove her worth to the boy, but I also saw a few that were the opposite: where the girl was manipulative and the boy would do anything she wanted and spend every penny and minute on her to feel loved).
I didn’t understand at the time that love is actually the opposite of what I was experiencing.
Maybe if I had realized who I was (a daughter of God) and what true love feels like, then I wouldn’t have settled for less. I would’ve know that my worth comes from my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ and that they love me so much. And I wouldn’t have settled for superficial, selfish love. But I was struggling with myself and with the gospel a lot through all of my teenage years and I didn’t quite understand just how loved and valued I was by Heavenly Father and that that is all that matters.
I found myself becoming friends with the boy who manipulated me after finally getting him to talk to me again. I still sought for attention from boys to make up for my self hate, so it didn’t matter to me that our relationship was a little selfish. At Least he cared and payed attention to me at times. This boy ended up dating another girl but we stayed close friends and soon it was like we were brother and sister. At this point, I was head over heels for this boy. He had me wrapped around his finger and he knew it.
He lived at a ranch with his girlfriend and always had me doing his chores. I was always willing to help out and trying to prove myself, so he took advantage of that. I often did all the hard work in the barns and upkept his trailer. He knew that all he had to do was say jump and I would say how high. We spent every waking second together and I my feelings for him continued to grow, blinding me from the way I was being treated.
Eventually, it reached the point where this boy would tell me that he really liked me, but he also liked the girl he was dating. But I was the one he went to when they were having problems and we often spent more time together than he did with the girl he was actually dating. He didn’t want to break up with her, but just told me to wait around in case they didn’t work out.
There are some major things wrong with that!
One, it is never ok to talk like that behind the back of who you are dating. If you have problems with them, talk it out with them or break up with them, but don’t confide everything in another girl and flirt with her. Two, did I really want to be backup girl? Not the one someone loves and choses to be with before anybody else, but the girl that is just waiting there as a safety net. Did I really want to be with someone who viewed me as second best?
Honestly, at the time I didn’t care. I was just happy that someone cared and thought I was maybe worth being with. But now I would say heck no! I want to date someone who truly cares about me and likes me, not who thinks I’m an ok backup option. No wonder I never felt like I had worth. I was constantly working so hard to feel validating by boys that didn’t really value me. The friendship I had with this boy was not ok, but at the time, I just didn’t see that. I was too focused on doing all that I could to be loved, that I didn’t really care what the situation was.
Eventually, that boy fell in love with the girl he was dating and it broke my heart to watch. He was the first boy I had experienced real feelings for and I didn’t want to let go. I was still the backup option, and the confidant who was flirted with. I was still being asked to do so much because I was always there, willing to please, but I started to realize that I wanted someone who would love me back. Who would put forth more effort.
I stayed for awhile, willing to do anything to stay close to this boy, but eventually, I was shunned due to the girl he was dating growing uncomfortable with my presence. I think she realized that this boy loved her, but had some level of feelings for me and she was not going to put up with it.
At the time I severely hurt. This girl and boy were my two bestest friends. We went on adventures together and they taught me so much. I spent every moment I could with them and I kept my horses on their ranch. I didn’t want to lose my best friend, the guy I cared for, and my horse (getting her out was a crazy, interesting story haha).
But now I realize that she did the right thing. Maybe she could’ve done it in a kinder way and hung out with just me sometimes instead of kicking me off the property and banning me, but the situation was a little fishy. I never would’ve made a move on that boy when he was dating someone else, but I still shouldn’t have encouraged him. I just put myself in a situation that soon became a big mess.
I felt more worthless than before. I wasn’t good enough to be with this boy and my best friend dumped me. I relied heavily on that boy as a brother and friend. I told him everything and looked up to him. It was so hard for me to all of a sudden feel like I had no one to talk to or to call when I was struggling. I didn’t have very many friends and I began seeking for that attention I desperately craved again. And I found it. But I wish that I had been smart enough to realize that I needed to work on valuing myself instead.
I continued with my pattern of toxic relationships.
This next relationship was the one that really messed me up and made me think about how I wanted to live my life. The boy seemed nice enough at first. He sought me out (looking back on it, all of them did; hmm makes you think. I unknowingly made myself an easy target to the same type of guys) and gave me that attention I was seeking, so I ended up dating him. A few girls that I knew warned me against dating this boy and telling me he had a bad reputation, but cute little me wanted to give him a chance.
Like most abusive relationships, everything started out fine. He respected my values and we enjoyed spending time together. Eventually, I gave into the request to have sex and there I was again, turning away from the gospel and going inactive (which sorta happened with the last guy too; in which I came back after and left again after continually dating this guy). I was ashamed, but I didn’t feel like I could go back to the Lord after already working so hard to overcome this sin in my life before. I felt like I was past the point of forgiveness, so I might as well live like the world. It wasn’t too bad and I had more freedom.
The funny thing was, maybe I was full of sin and not attending church and barely praying from time to time, but I was still living by everything else I knew was true. I wouldn’t cuss, didn’t like bad media, wouldn’t smoke or drink or chew tobacco (the guy I was dating did every single one of these). Deep down, I wanted to be good, I just didn’t have the courage for a while to get out.
Honestly, one thing that brought my back to the gospel of Jesus Christ (where I have been pretty solid since) was having this relationship become abusive. Because it helped me realize what was truly important in my life and brought me down to my knees for help time and time again.
The boy that I was with started becoming really controlling. He wanted me in his line of sight 24/7 and got jealous even if I was just spending time at home with my family. I never really got alone time because if I was alone, he would come over or take me to his house. I didn’t really mind at first. I liked the attention, but then it started to become a problem when I could never do anything I wanted to do. I was falling behind in school because I wasn’t doing homework and I barely had any friends because I could never spend time with them. This boy made himself the center of my whole world and came into every aspect of my life.
I was frustrated at times with the lack of space, but I still didn’t see it as a huge problem for a long time. I enjoyed the attention, even if I was often in uncomfortable situations or surrounded by people using drugs and alcohol. (I hated the cigarettes, chew, and marajana the boy I dated used so much). I figured that not every situation was perfect and I tried to just focus on what was good.
I was in school with this boy every day and I saw the way he disrespected everyone, especially adults. I saw how he treated people and cussed everyone out and didn't care about anything. I saw how he was constantly in trouble and kicked out of class and how he wouldn't let me spend time with my friends and was with me every second we weren't in separate classes. And I still didn't realize what type of person I was getting involved with.
I wasn't a huge fan of being at his house due to his family being a little crazy and messing with me, but that is often where we hung out. His uncle was always in our space, having me drive him around with my truck 24/7 since he didn't have a car. I drove him around at crazy hours to shady places. His uncle made me very uncomfortable most of the time making crude jokes, talking to me about sex and inappropriate things, and seeing what he could say to try and get a reaction out of me. I was often stuck with him and the boy I dated in overnight or day trips.
His step mom hated me and was always rude and his dad was demanding and abusive and neglect towards him. I hated how much his uncle disrespected his wife and disappointed his kids (turns out they got divorced later and he was abusive) and how the whole family talked about women in such a vulgar and disrespectful way. I knew that I was more than that and that the family was sacred to Heavenly Father but I was continuously shot down and made fun of and I learned to just keep my mouth shut.
I kept my horse at his place and he didn't treat his or my own animals super well. My horse was taken care of properly overall because I hated how little he took care of them, but his own horses didn't fare so well. It was against my whole soul to see that, but I continued to overlook the bad.
He was rough and impatient with his horses and couldn't even really work mine due to his lack of patience and her stubbornness. He neglected their food, water, and feet and rode when they were lame. The horses weren't bad enough to be taken, but it still wasn't right and hurt me see. And he had many dogs that were fenced up, but the one that bothered me the most was his energetic dog that he hated and just left chained up forever out in the arizona sun. I wish I had stood up for what I knew was right then. And I wish I had listened to the spirit when I was uncomfortable being at his house or around his family.
I began to realize that I wasn’t in the type of relationship that I wanted when this boy started demanding sex at least once a day (and often more). I didn’t mind that part of the relationship, but every once in awhile was just fine with me. Like I mentioned above, I equivilated love with pleasing a man’s physical pleasures for a long time, so I tried to do that for him even when I didn’t really feel like it.
Honestly I was never missing much when I kept the law of chastity. Maybe it is simply because the boys I have slept with have mostly been focused on their own pleasure, but it was more uncomfortable and stressful than anything. I was more filled with anxiety of making the boys I was with feel good every time than I was on how it made me feel.
Yes, I was stupid enough to chose to experiment with sin when I was a teenager (and I am absolutely ashamed of it), but I mostly continued to do it for a period of time to please those I was dating. That doesn’t make it ok, I still committed a serious sexual sin and had to work very hard to fully repent and come back from it, but it does kinda show to me that I truly didn’t understand or believe my worth in my teenage years or how love worked.
The fact that I only sometimes enjoyed sex every once in a while, but that I was doing it several times a day while dating that boy once he started pushing just testifies to me that I wanted so badly to be validated and loved, that I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself in the process.
It finally reached the point where I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, but he didn’t care. When I tried to say no he would either whine and beg or get upset and scare me until he got what he wanted.
The time I tried the hardest to be done was when I started going back to church more consistently. I had talked with my Bishop and felt terrible and wanted to live worthily. I remember talking to the boy I was dating and explaining that I could date him, but I would no longer be breaking the law of chastity.
I explained why it was so important to me and how much I wanted to be worthy. But he didn’t understand. My faith was rocky, but I knew that I loved the Lord. I was too weak to do what was right, but I had the desire to please Heavenly Father.
The boy I was with didn't see things the same way. To him, sex outside of marriage wasn’t a sin, but a right. He thought I was being dumb and would continuously tell me that it was selfish of me to withhold myself from him. That I thinking only about myself, punishing him for my own selfish benefit. He said that he didn’t care if i had to pretend to be worthy to feel ok with church, but I wasn’t going to withhold sex from him.
I didn’t want to give in. I wanted so bad to be good. But he forced me to start and at that point there was no more fighting. I caved into myself, feeling so unloved and unworthy and knowing that I was a great sinner in the eyes of God. I felt too unworthy to try and go back to church again for a long time, so I stayed in this relationship and did my best to be a good girlfriend.
Sex soon became what this boy wanted and if it didn’t happen at least once a day, he lost his temper with me. Unlike before when he would work more to persuade me and beg or whine to get what he wanted, he no longer pretended to be gentle or care about how I felt. He grew impatient with me, just caring about himself and sex. He wasn’t satisfied until he had filled his physical desires and that came before everything else, no matter how I was feeling.
I was dreading spending time with this boy because he just wanted sex all day all the time. It didn’t matter where we were or who was around or how many times we had done it before, it seemed like ever free second alone he just wanted to be physical. And doing it that much got boring for him, so he wanted to try different things or places and I was often embarrassed or in pain. I won’t go into details but I was forced to do things that were painful, bloody, and terrible.
He seemed to care about me a little in general, but not in bed. As soon as we were having sex, my feelings didn’t matter. All that did matter was that he wasn’t bored and felt good.
I was in a terrible, controlling relationship but I didn’t know how to get out of it. I tried to break up with him several times and somehow things always ended up right back where they were.
He would play with my mind and guilt me back into being with him and giving him what he wanted. And he was quick to lose his temper and over reacting (especially when it came to physical intimacy or driving with either of us behind the wheel), so he often got what he wanted out of fear.
I just turned a blind eye to the abusive and unhealthy part of our relationship and tried to forget about those minutes and focus on the good in the rest of our day. But I was always feeling worthless and down on myself, exhausted and stuck. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life living like that.
That boyfriend often talked about marriage and wanting me to marry him, but that thought almost made me feel sick to my stomach (I didn’t realize for a long time that that wasn’t normal nervousness for a big commitment, but the spirit telling me that I didn’t want to be married to this man). Luckily, I was underage, so I used that as an excuse to not being able to marry him (he was 19 at the time).
He often talked about how excited he was for me to turn 18 so then age wouldn’t stop us, but I always hoped that it would never come. And I am so thankful that I got out of that relationship before I was an adult because I fear that I would’ve been coerced or forced into an abusive marriage.
Over time, my desire to be close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior grew. I sometimes felt whisperings of the spirit telling me that I didn’t have to live like this and that I knew what I was doing was wrong (I never thought what I did was right, I just got so far in I couldn’t get myself out). I desired to be temple worthy and to be sealed to my family forever. And I wanted to go to church and raise my children in the gospel. I wasn’t in love with this boy, I just felt stuck. My few attempts to leave hadn’t worked and I was too weak to be with him and live the gospel in the way that I wanted (I tried).
The scariest part of this relationship to me was that this boy called what we had love. He didn’t see anything wrong with the way he treated me. He would always tell me that he loved me and I believe that he truly thought that he did. But I have come to realize that true love is nothing like that.
What that boy was feeling was lust. Lust is selfish and runs off of natural desires. True love is selfless. It isn’t all about what you get out of the relationship, but about caring for another person so much that you want to serve them as Christ would. You want to learn and grow with them, dry their tears and be silly with them.
Yes, physical intimacy is a gift from God that is an essential part of having a strong marriage. But sex shouldn’t be the most important thing in your relationship or the only thing that you do. And how you treat your partner shouldn’t be based off how much you have it or how good it is.
With the help of the spirit and some amazing youth, I finally found my way officially out of that abusive relationship. And I haven’t been sexually or physically abused since. I worked hard to grow strong in the gospel and work through the repentance process and to forget what had happened. After a lot of time and hard work, I earned a temple recommend and it has been the most sacred thing I have since I got it back. Nothing compares to the joy of feeling clean and worthy in the eyes of the Lord.
I plead with all of you to stay close to the Lord and to keep his commandments. I know that it can be so hard at times to do what is right and it can even feel like the these rules are holding you back from having fun, but I testify that the commandments of God are a gift. They are truly a blessing, meant to keep us from emotional, physical, and spiritual harm. I know from my experiences that nothing is worth giving up the Lord and His spirit and His gospel. I’ve lived life without God and I know without a doubt that worthily living the gospel is the only thing that brings true, eternal happiness.
For those of you find yourselves bound to the chains of sin, I encourage you to not give up! No matter what you have done or where you are in your life, you can be forgiven. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much, flaws and all. And while they can’t look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, they still love you more than you could comprehend. Your pain and sorrow hurts them and they desire to help you become clean again.
I won’t lie, the road of true repentance and forgiveness is not an easy one. It is full of pain, sorrow, shame, guilt, despair, and frustration as you struggle to change and become anew in Christ. But it is worth it. Having your sins washed away by Christ and being forgiven by the Lord and continuing back down the straight and narrow path is well worth all of the work it takes to get there.
I made a promise to myself once I had repented and became clean again that I would never break that commandment in any way again. I was determined to be virtuous and to continue living close to the Lord. I knew now that Heavenly Father mattered more to me than the things of the world and nothing was going to convince me otherwise.
I did keep that promise (I’m still living with it today), but I still struggled with relationships.
The next relationship I got into was not as bad, but it was still controlling and toxic (are you seeing a pattern here lol). I didn’t like how the relationship progressed into a controlling situation, but it was nice to have the attention without the physical abuse or sexual expectations. But that doesn’t mean that it was a good relationship or the right one for me.
Spending time together is good, but never taking time apart in a relationship is not healthy. Clingy isn’t cute and it can become exhausting to deal with. The relationship with this man didn’t start out bad but eventually got to a place where I felt suffocated and like I never had my own space or could work on my own things.
When I wanted to do anything, this guy always either wanted to come, would guilt me into skipping and staying with him, or would whine and cry and make me feel terrible if I went.
So I stopped doing things without him. I didn’t have fun with friends or do things that he didn’t want to. I didn’t have the time to work on homework a lot or to just breathe and relax by myself. He didn’t want to be apart and eventually it made me not like him anymore and want to be away from him.
One thing that did bother me a lot was that he didn't like when I did certain things with my make up or hair or wore certain clothes and he was quite rude about it and wanted me to look to his liking. I distinctly remember one time I did make overs with my roommate and I felt so beautiful. This guy came over and told me that I looked ridiculous and made me cry. He didn't like the way I looked and he wasn't kind in the way that he told me. And he also started bothering my roommates about me via text to talk about me and check in on me constantly and that was totally not ok.
This guy wasn’t a bad person, he meant well and cared about me, but I personally don’t think he was ready for a relationship (and neither was I haha).
He wanted so badly to be loved that he wanted to be in a serious relationship right away and always wanted to around. He would freak out if I was having a hard day, assuming that if I wasn’t super happy and paying attention to him then I was upset with him and so he would pout. He was insecure about our relationship and jealous if I spent time with friends, my family, and even my dog instead of paid attention to him every second. It was just exhausting and it felt more like raising a kid than growing in an adult relationship.
This guy never did hurt me physically, but he showed some warning signs that really scared me. A few times he got so upset with me that he didn’t get his way that he started shaking and had to leave so he wouldn’t hurt me. One time I went out with my friends instead of him and he lost his temper so bad that I was actually scared that he was going to hurt me (he didn’t). He did grab me a few times when he got upset but I was able to get him to let me go after pushing him away, from which he would proceed to leave and go cool off.
This guy never abused me and tried to be good, but eventually being around him just made me depressed. I felt trapped in a cage that I couldn’t step out of without feeling guilty.
We ended up being engaged for a little bit (I never said yes but I never said no haha), but I called it off as I discovered that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like this and that I was not in love with this man. And any feelings I had about him had faded once he became controlling and lost his temper with me time and time again. He reminded me too much of my past boyfriend and I saw a lot of the warning signs of my abusive relationship here.
When I broke off this engagement (it’s interesting that I never felt good or comfortable about this one just like with the other guy, maybe I should stand up for myself and listen to the spirit), the guy I was with lost it. And I understand, he thought we were going to be married for time and eternity and here I was saying that I couldn’t do it. He loved me and he had every right to feel hurt and upset. And I think it is perfectly ok for men to show emotions too.
But that doesn’t make it ok to throw a fit like he did.
He lost his temper and really scared me at first, but he ended up choosing to leave and come back when he had cooled off. Then he cried and did all he could to try and convince me to change my mind. He just couldn't bear the thought of being alone. He wanted to be with someone so bad that eventually he gave up with me and said that he would just go find somebody else.
Ending the relationship just affirmed to me that I was doing what was right. He didn’t care about who he was with, just that he was in a relationship. And how he always blew up, over reacted, and scared me was not ok.
I don’t want to be with someone who I am scared to talk to them when not everything is going their way. Or someone who is so clingy and insecure with our relationship that they get jealous when I spend time with my family or dog. And I felt so relieved to finally have space and be able to just do what I wanted.
I haven’t been in a relationship for a year and honestly, it’s been so nice. It is hard at times to feel alone and like no one cares, but it has been good for me to just focus on myself and on overcoming what has happened to me.
Feeling lonely or worthless is something I think we all struggle with at times. It can be the worst feeling. But it is no reason to give up and settle in a relationship. Heavenly Father loves you so much. Don’t you think He wants you to marry the right person? Don’t you think He has someone for you that will treat you right and truly loves you?
If you are struggling with this right now, please don’t give up! There is a person out there that is just right for you and an eternity of living below what you deserve or of heartache or of abuse is not worth the instant gratification of being in a relationship right in this moment. Don’t settle for less. You are worth more! Try to be patient and rely on the Lord.
I am not in a rush to be in a serious relationship. I am open to dating, but I have learned the mistakes of moving too fast. I would rather be alone longer than spend time in the wrong relationship for me. I am done with guys who only care about themselves, just want to be physical, and don’t want to be like Christ.
I want to be with someone who is kind and patient and loves me for who I am. Someone who won’t roll his eyes and ask why I’m not over the whole abuse thing (the guy I was engaged to did that! Like you don’t know what I’ve been through! I don’t need to live in the past but yes it has created some issues for me), but is understanding and helps me to work through my fears when it comes to relationships.
I honestly have so many fears of relationships and marriage, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be with anyone. I have commitment issues and a lot of fear. I struggle with trust, am wary of intentions, and worry that a boy will mistake lust for love. I actually fear a man saying “I love you” simply because everytime a guy I have dated said that (way sooner that I even thought about feeling that way), that is when the relationship started turning bad. And I am worried about all long term relationships becoming toxic with time.
My number one fear of marriage is physical intimacy. Which is kinda embarrassing to share, but so true. I am terrified of what my husband will expect from me in bed and to not living up to his expectations. I am scared of what he will ask me to do or how he will treat me. Honestly, I am scared of sex. Not like when I was a teenager and feared not knowing about it, but because I have so much anxiety about pleasing my husband and a fear of being expected to do things that I’m not comfortable with.
I honestly don’t even know if I could be 100% comfortable with physical intimacy again. Even with hand holding, hugs, and kisses (not that I’ve even done any of these in a year), it is a warning sign to me of physical advancement and I don’t trust the intentions. Physical touch is nice, but I just have too much fear associated with it when it comes to men. I truly don’t know if I will be able to overcome this fear and anxiety associated with sex, what man wants to hear that? I do know that if I ever find the right man to marry, it will take a lot of patience and time for me to heal and be comfortable.
I really don’t know if I will find a man who treats me well and is ready and willing to work through these issues. It’s a lot. It’s a lot for me personally and it would be a lot to take on starting day one of marriage. That is why I wonder if I will ever be able to be married one day when I am ready. Or if men wouldn’t just divorce me after a short time of frustration and not enough pleasure in bed.
I grew up in a home that was split by divorce more than once, so I do have a fear of divorce occurring in my future marriage.
I struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a lot of baggage, emotions, and fears and often my disorder can cause me to freak out and have breakdowns a lot. And I am still working on overcoming self harm and suicidal tendencies. I often wonder if not being amazing or comfortable with the physical intimacy and struggling so much with mental illness will either keep me from marriage or cause me to be divorced in a short time.
I have never been with a man who was willing to talking with me when I had mental illness issues or who was patient and kind and gentle with me and understood that I had fears. I often wonder if such a man exists.
I still have a lot to work through, but I have come so far. I have so many fears, but I have taken little steps of faith. I have developed a deep relationship with my Father in Heaven and with my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I have worked so hard to change and start becoming more like them.
I still haven’t really worked through anything that has happened and I have to learn to love and forgive myself (it’s been 2 years since the last sexual abuse and I still am struggling to forgive myself).
But I have learned where my worth comes from and that I don’t need a guy to complete me or have worth. And I know what type of relationship I want and that it is worth waiting for.
I love the gospel with all my heart and am so thankful that Heavenly Father didn’t give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. And I know that through Christ and His Atonement, I can truly learn to forgive myself, let go from the past, and have the strength I need to keep improving. I hope that one day, through Christ and His gospel, I will feel true peace and happiness.
I'm not really sure if being open and honest and sharing all of this will do any good. But my hope is that it will raise some awareness and maybe even help other girls who have gone through similar experiences (and maybe even prevent them). I just want to do all that I can to help people and to draw others closer to Christ. I'm not really sure how, but I hope to find a way to use my experiences to make a difference
I'm not really sure if there is a noticable difference on the outside (I wasn't physically abused and I was good at hiding what I went through) but I wanted to lay out pictures from the time period of some of the situations I was in and see if you could see a difference in me.
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| 2015- the first year that I was sexually abused |
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2016- this was during really bad sexually abusive relationship
(I was actually at the hospital due to an injury at that boy's house working
with horses. He told me I was fine and had me go throughout the rest of my
day, but my mom took me to the hospital when I got home to make sure. I am
actually wearing his sweatshirt here.) |
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2017-this is when I was dating the boy I broke off the
engagement with |
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2018-now, guy free for 1yr and starting to realize
my worth and rely on the Lord |
