Swimsuit & Prayer

I love writing about church doctrine, the gospel of Jesus Christ is just so amazing!!  But I have noticed that people seem to be more interested in reading my writing when it is more about me and my experiences.  I love to share what I learn, but I will try to share some more about my experiences.  (Always feel welcome to message or comment if you want me to see me write about something specific).  

As I have gone throughout the last couple of weeks I have seen a theme in my life that is a real testimony builder.  It is prayer.  I say prayers several times a day for the morning, night, and meals, but I have recently begun to rely more on my Father in Heaven during my day to day trials.  And one thing that I have begun to notice is that prayer works.  I have had so many prayers answered, even on the little things, that I cannot deny that there is a Father in Heaven who hears our prayers and desires to help us.

I think a contributing factor to that is my goal to work more on obedience.  I have been working hard to do my best to act in perfect obedience to the Lord’s commandments and the prophet’s warning.  No, I am not perfect.  In fact, I mess up everyday, sometimes even with the little things.  But the Lord doesn’t care that we make mistakes, He cares that we learn from them and keep trying.  He knew that we wouldn’t be perfect, in fact, that is one of the reasons we are here.  And He sent His Only Begotten Son to perform the Atonement so that we could try again and again when we do wrong.  I have definitely seen a change in my life and my outlook on life as I have placed more importance in daily scripture study and prayer and as I have worked to overcome my weaknesses through Christ.  

One experience happened today at the beach in southern California.  I had recently gotten a new bathing suit from Old Navy that I was so excited to wear.  It was a more modest one piece swimsuit and it was cute.  It showed my curves and I felt nice while wearing it.  My friends told me I was cute in it and I knew it would impress the boys.  I felt a little nervous about buying it, but I pushed aside the thoughts.  I was probably just nervous since it was a new style for me.  I wanted to look like the world and be beautiful right?  

Well I did look beautiful.  The swimsuit was a good style for my body and at first I felt confident.  I looked good and I wanted to go out and show people.  But I had been working hard to allow for more of the spirit in my life by doing the small simple primary answers like scriptures, prayer, church, and the temple, and that had already started changing who and how I wanted to be.  It also made me more susceptible to hearing the still small voice of the spirit.  I started reassesing my swimsuit choice and considering that it might not be up to the Lord’s standards.  I tried to tell myself that since it was more modest than what most girls wore that made it ok.  But I knew the truth.  The Lord doesn’t hold us to the standards of others, nor does He judge us against them.  But He sets His own standards and we are judged based upon our own works in this life and our efforts to follow His standards.  He doesn’t care what everybody else is wearing or doing.  He just cares that we either are or aren’t following Him.  

I was conflicted.  I wanted to look good in the world’s standards and I wasn’t wearing a bikini or anything that revealing.  But I want nothing more than to make it back to my Father in Heaven one day and wax strong in His presence.  I want to earn a spot in the Celestial Kingdom with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and I desire to have the spirit as strongly in my life now as I can.  Will maybe not wearing the best swimsuit cause me to lose my eternal salvation?  Probably not, but making small choices that weaken (or chink) our armor slowly adds up.  The more that we accept things that are wrong, the more used to it we get and we continue to push the boundaries more and more.  Satan uses this tactic of desensitization to get us in all aspects of our lives.  Just one bad word in that song or one bad scene in that movie or tv show.  Just one pair of barely too short shorts.  It doesn’t seem like a that big of a deal.  And that is the worst part.  We willingly let satan get a foot in the door because we know what is right and just a little bit seems harmless at first.  

The problem is, it usually doesn’t stop there.  As we get used to the first step, satan tempts us with more and more until we don’t feel like it is wrong to watch rated R movies or drink alcohol.  And it is the little things that get us.  When we aren’t as diligent in reading our scriptures or saying our prayers, that is when we start to give into what seem like harmless temptations.  But those little changes end up changing the course of our whole lives.  

I have been there before.  I was constantly going inactive while in high school due to making those little worldly choices.  I just wanted to be seen as cool in the eyes of the world.  I started to fit in but I drew farther and farther away from the Lord.  And once started, the train never stops going.  My choices and desires just kept getting worse and worse and everything I was doing started to seem normal or not too bad.  My mindset was wrong, I was listening to Satan’s lies.  But when you are around something for a long time, you start to see it as normal and accept it.  Such as bad media, inappropriate clothing or jokes, alcohol, drugs, immoral relationships, etc.    

The hardest part was coming back from that.  It is much easier to have the strength to withstand temptations, just say no, and follow the Lord (even when it is hard or people make fun of you) than it is to retrain your mind to think virtuously and to put heavenly things before worldly things.  It is hard to un-desensitize yourself from the obscene things you normalized.  It is tough, but I promise that it is worth it.

I eventually listened to the spirit that had been prompting me that my swimsuit wasn’t up to the Lord’s standards, and His opinion is the only one that truly matters.  It might be a one piece but the top was a little low cut and revealing.  The problem was, it was the only swimsuit I had and I was out on vacation.  Finding a modest swimsuit can be tough, especially in my size.  I had spent weeks just finding the swimsuit that I had and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find one.  Most teenagers my age didn’t wear “granny swimsuits”, so stores generally don't sell anything that fit me and is modest.  

I did the only thing that I could think of, I prayed.  I told Heavenly Father my concerns and pleaded with Him to help me.  I wanted to be righteous but I needed His help.  I knew that I had gotten myself into this mess by making a mistakes, but I wanted to do better and I couldn’t do that without Him.  I relied on my faith in the Lord.  

We went to look at swimsuits and for awhile, no luck.  I found nothing close to my size in the store that wasn’t a skimpy bikini.  I was frustrated and worried about what else to do.  I want to have the spirit with me and be filled with the light of Christ.  I don't want to disappoint my Father in Heaven and I desire to have the courage to stand strong for what I believe in.  I was no longer confident in or proud of my worldly swimsuit as I had been before. I was only ashamed that I had ever wanted to put the standards of the world before the standards of the Lord.  

I found one single suit in the whole store that was modest enough for me.  And that one suit just happened to fit.  I can’t explain it, but I don’t have too.  I know for a fact that me coming across a modest swimsuit in my size that was the only one of it’s type in the store was no accident.  And it was no stroke of luck or a happy coincidence.  It was the Lord answering my prayer.  He knew that I wanted to be righteous and needed Him and He helped me to find what I needed.  And I am so grateful to Him.  

I was able to enjoy the rest of my day, feeling confident in a heavenly way and filled with the spirit.  I was able to keep my standards and still feel beautiful.  Because nothing makes you feel more special than knowing that your Father up in Heaven is proud of you and that you are doing your best to follow Him.  

This wasn’t my first modestly issue with swimsuits, but it will be my last.  As I get older, I continue to grow more in the gospel and learn that all the rules are there for my safety.  They are temporary inconveniences that bring everlasting happiness.  The commandments are no longer something that I dread to follow but something that I desire to follow.  I have learned that the more you follow the Lord in your life, the more you desire to keep following Him.  And with God, anything is possible.  He loves us and answers our prayers if we put in the effort and have faith.  

Institute: based off of foundations of faith by Quentin L. Cook

 Upon reading, I was reminded that we must make sacrifices and develop humility to strengthen our faith to our full capacity in the Lord Jesus Christ.  And this isn’t a one time and done thing, but a continuous, life long process to becoming and staying fully converted.  As I shared with the class, our testimonies are like a muscle.  We must continuously work it or it will atrophy (decay).  In the gospel, as with anything in life, we must always keep moving.  It is not possible for us to stay still for long, so we must always keep moving, either forwards or backwards.  And while motion is a given, the direction remains our choice.  As Jacob shares in 2 Nephi 2:27, we are “free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men (Christ), or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil”.  

As with anything, building the foundation to our faith will take time and be slow work.  It will grow “one layer, one experience, one challenge, one setback, and one success at a time”.  And failure is an important part of the learning and growing process.  We cannot reach our full potential without hardships and failures.  We will not push ourselves to reach new heights and work harder than we ever have or appreciate that which we accomplish if we always succeed.  Success is great, but it doesn’t teach us to persevere or push us farther than we thought we could go, only setbacks can do that.  This is similar to what Jacob says in 2 Nephi 2:11, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”.  

We cannot have true joy without experiencing sadness or we can’t appreciate the beauty around us unless we have seen worse places.  Opposition is needed, it is not just part of life, but it is in fact part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness.  I’m not saying that our Father in Heaven creates hardships because He doesn’t.  He loves us and doesn’t like to see us go through hard times, but He does know what is best for us and what we need, so He allows bad or hard things to fall upon us in this life.  Doctrine and Covenants 122:7, “all these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good”.

Christ suffered every imaginable hardship for us and He never sinned.  Hard times does not mean that you are a bad person, but it is an imperative part of this life.  An experience that we cannot go through this life without.  And sometimes bad things happen to good people and I don’t hold all of the answers but I do know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us very very much.  We need to have faith that the Lord knows best, even when He won’t give you the answer or blessings that you seek.  

I like this quote that Elder Oaks shared that says “opposition permits us grow toward what our Heavenly Father would have us become”.  When times are tough and it just seems like God doesn’t care, remember that He loves you immensely.  And He is a good parent, He does what is best for us even when it is hard.  He knows our potential and He pushed us to grow into our best selves by going through the experiences of this mortal life.  And “some things can only be learned by faith” (Elder Oaks).  

We need to keep working on our physical, mental, and spiritual development, that is one of the reasons that we are here!  The earth was created for us because we couldn’t reach our full potential as spirits.  We needed to come down here and have mortal experiences with a body to continue progressing and reach our full potential.  And we need to remember that development in all areas are different for each person.  No one is the same and therefore no one shares the same path or grows/learns the same way.  We must not judge other for learning differently than us.  What is a struggle for one is easy for another.  And this is not a bad thing!  We were all created to be different.  Being unique is a gift and we should embrace our differences.  If we were all the same then we wouldn’t all have different gifts, talents, paths, purposes, etc.  We need to be different to work together to share the gospel throughout the world and bring others to Christ.  So don’t feel bad if you don’t seem to fit in with the people around you, you weren’t meant too!!  

One important part of building our faith is how we spend our time.  We must spend our time wisely and not be idle.  It is ok to relax a little or just play a game and have a fun time, but there are so many distraction today that if we aren’t careful, we will lose sight of what is really important and not accomplish all that we were meant to do.  We will watch tv instead of read scriptures or spend time with family.  We will go shopping instead of to church or listen to music instead of learn more about the gospel.  We have all done this.  I am guilty of this.  

But it is imperative that we learn to put spiritual things above worldly things and we make this a continuous habit.  The world puts less emphasis on spiritual growth than secular learning or physical triumph, but it is the most important.  To develop enduring faith and have the constant companionship of the holy ghost we must remember the importance of the simple things such as church attendance, daily scripture study and prayer, and service.  They might seem like small or even unimportant actions but these are the basics of the gospel and we must have a strong foundation to build off of to continue growing.

Everything in the gospel builds off of eachother, so we must have a strong testimony of the basic, simple truths to build off of.  These include the cornerstone of our religion, Jesus Christ, the keystone of our religion, The Book of Mormon, and the first prophet of the last dispensation, Joseph Smith.  For if one of these aren’t true, then none of it is true.    

We also need to remember that everything happens in the Lord’s timing and according to His will.  This can be hard sometimes, patience is definitely still an attribute I am working on, but we must continue forward in faith when life isn’t quite what we expected and trust that the Lord knows best.  We might still be seeking for a spouse, not have the money saved yet for a mission, or not get into the college we want too, life is full of twists and turns in the path of our goals.  I don’t know how things will work out, but I do know one simple truth with all my heart as I have continuously seen it work in my own life.  If you put the Lord first and have faith in Him, then everything will be ok.  And maybe some things won’t be ok until after this life but I promise that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us very much and wants nothing more than to see us make it back to Him and achieve true joy in this life as well as the next.  

One way for us to make sure that we stay on the straight and narrow path back to Him is to try and be like Him.  For, one of the main purposes of us being here on this earth is to learn and grow through mortal experiences so that we may become like Heavenly Father ourselves.  Psalms 82:6 reminds us that we are “children of the most high” who have the potential to be Gods in the next life if we chose to do what is right now.  Perfection is a lifelong process that isn’t fully possible now, but we are asked by the Lord to strive to be perfect even as He is (Matthew 5:48).  And 2 Nephi 25:23 tells us that “we will be saved by grace after all we can do”.  Christ is the perfect example to emulate and He made it possible for us to have the ability to repent through His Atonement.  And if we truly do our best to do our part on this earth, then His grace will make up the rest.  We must work hard in this life to become like Christ and to continue to work on changing ourselves for the better.  

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of change.  And it is only through our Savior, Jesus Christ that we can truly change in this life for good.  So many people try to overcome addiction and trials in their lives and sometimes they do well for awhile, but the truth is, we cannot do this on our own...and we weren’t meant too!  Christ can help us to not only change our habits or our outlook on life, but through Him we can truly change our hearts, which is the key to successful change.  We must look to treasure that of heavenly value over the things of the world, “for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Luke 12:34).  If we have our heart set on righteous desires then we will seek out the good in this life and we will desire to become more like Christ and to grow in the gospel according to our own agency.  It might start with a struggle to read your scriptures daily, say your prayers, or stay all three hours of church, but I promise that if you give it your best effort, the Lord will add his strength to your efforts and help you to succeed.  

Sometimes all you have to start with is a desire to gain the desire to do what is right.  And that is ok, we all need to start somewhere.  How fast you go or where you start at isn’t important, but what is is the direction we are headed.  It can be scary to start pushing yourself in areas that you struggle with, especially if others might not understand or even judge you.  But “the best place to start is exactly where you are right now” (President Dieter F Uchtdorf).  And I promise you that it will all be worth it!  The gospel of Jesus Christ is truly worth everything.  

One of the greatest desires of our hearts should be to develop unwavering faith in Jesus Christ and His gospel.  It is only by developing this faith that we will be able to stand strong against the whirlwinds of life and make it back to our Father in Heaven one day.  We must remember that faith is the most important principle of the gospel and we are the ones that must put in the effort to upkeep and grow our personal testimonies.  Remember, “faith without works is dead” (James 2:26).  Faith is an action word, so don’t forget to take action according to your faith.  The only way to strengthen it is to act on it!  We need to remember that anything is possible with faith because “with the Lord all things are possible” (Mark 10:27).  

I would like to end on this topic with a scripture that I believe encompasses the simple truths I have tried to discuss tonight.  

“It is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the son of God, that ye must build your foundation…, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall” (Heleman 5:12).  

You can do this: thoughts from a John bytheway talk

I want to share some things that I learned from John Bytheway while driving around town today because though I always learn a lot from him, these particular talks were just what I needed today.  

He reminded me that the devil offers us short term happiness and long term discipline while the gospel offers us long term happiness with short term discipline.  The gospel isn’t meant to hold us back or prevent us from having fun, it is to protect us from the wickedness of the world and to bring us true happiness.  Eternal happiness.  But we need to remember that even the righteous have trials.  None of us are free from affliction in this life and we will all go through hard trials that we may not understand or feel like we deserve.  It is in these struggles that we need to remember that we learn and grow more from the tough times than the easy times.  

Isn’t it when we feel like we have nothing that we rely more heavily on our Savior Jesus Christ?  Isn’t it when we have nothing left to hold onto that we strengthen our testimonies?  Isn’t it during the hard times that we fall apart and come back together stronger than before?  The Lord knows that we need bad times to appreciate the good.  In the scriptures, Joseph Smith shares that there must be opposition in all things.  And it’s true!  When we are humbled and reminded of the great blessings of even the simple things in our lives, we tend to appreciate them more in our lives when things are good.  As made evident in the scriptures, we are human and we often forget the Lord and the blessings He bestows upon us when life gets too easy.  And sometimes we attribute our success to ourselves or use our gifts in selfish ways.  The Lord gives us trials to build us up, make us stronger, and remind us that we must never stop striving to progress in His gospel.  

Because, in the gospel of Jesus Christ you must always be moving.  There is no such thing as standing still.  You are always moving, either in a good direction or a bad direction.  Some people (in biblical times as well as modern times) get too comfortable where they are in the gospel and they plateau.  At first this might seem ok.  They like where they are once they do well and they might not continue to climb upward, but they seem to be staying at the same level.  While it might seem like nothing changes for them, that is simply not true.  They cannot stay immovable forever.  They must either choose to keep working hard to make their way up the mountain of the gospel or to slowly let the gospel slip farther and farther out of their lives.  

I’ve seen this happen in my own life and it is so hard to come back from.  Habits are hard to break and just a little slip, though seemingly harmless, can be catastrophic to our spiritual well being.  It is the simple, little day to day things that make a difference.  The primary answers of scripture study, prayer, and attending church.  It might not seem like a big deal to just skip reading scriptures for one day when you are tired or not attend church because your family is in town but the thing with the gospel is that all of the choices we make either bring us closer too or farther away from Christ.

So any decisions we make that don’t follow the commandments or strengthen our testimonies, though it might not destroy our love for the Lord and His gospel or negatively affect our spirits that much, it also doesn’t work to grow it.  So our spiritual growth becomes stagnant for awhile and like a muscle, our testimonies will begin to decay if we don’t work to up keep them.  We will get into the habit of not doing the important day to day things and suddenly we will find ourselves in trouble when we are in church and realize that we don’t even have a testimony.  

I beg of you, please please do the daily things.  Start your day off right with the scriptures, don’t put it off.  It might seem like the same thing to read right before bed and it definitely is a good way to end the day and settle down for bed, but I cannot begin to express the outcome studying the Lord’s word before you start the day has onmyour day.  I just have a brighter outlook on life and a more positive attitude.  Start your day off right with the Lord by your side.  

And isn’t it nice to know that “our afflictions will be but a small moment” (D&C 121:7)?  The Lord told Joseph Smith this comforting truth and it rings true for all of us.  When we look at life with an eternal perspective, starting in the premortal life that we can’t even remember and going far beyond this life, aren’t the trials of mortality but a small moment in an eternity of joy?!  

Another thing that I just started trying to get into the habit of is not only saying prayers at night and at meals but in the morning before I get ready for the day.  I used to think this was pointless.  I mean I’m going to go eat breakfast shortly after I get up anyways and I already pray several times a day with meals and bedtime prayers.  But I have come to learn that morning prayers are a little bit different than night time prayers.  They are more focused on preparing for the day and asking for strength or guidance throughout your day than for reflecting on the Lord’s hand in your day and thanking Him for blessings.

You can ask for anything in any prayer but for me atleast, I find that my morning prayers are to start my day off talking with my Father in Heaven and to ask for the strength to get through the day.  For things like, help drawing closer to Him and opportunities to serve or to help me be motivated and positive as I go throughout my day. My bedtime prayers are for things like thanking God for blessings, asking for forgiveness for the things I did poorly during the day, or asking for help for the next day.  

Prayers are personal and individual to everyone, so what your prayers look like might not be like mine.  I just wanted to share what I have learned from my perspective.  So don’t worry if you are reading this and nothing that I feel is the same for you because the gospel is very personalized.  All of the eternal truths and commandments are the same for everyone but the process of discipleship is different for everyone.  And what works for one might not for the other.  Part of our journey is figuring out what works for us in all aspects of our lives and striving to do our best in all of them.  

We will all go through storms in this life, but if we choose to draw closer to Christ and rely on Him during the hard times, then He will help us bear our burden.  “Come unto me, all ye that Labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  He says it right there in Matthew 11:28-30, if we rely on Christ and draw closer to Him during our trials then He will help us get through them.  Isn’t that a comforting thought?  To know that the Savior can be right there beside you to help you when you are struggling if you choose to turn to Him.

Now notice that He doesn’t say that He will take the trial from you or make it super easy.  Christ isn’t there to take the hardships away, we need them to learn and grow.  But He is there to help us carry our yoke and ease our burdens.  Living the gospel doesn’t make life perfect, but is sure is easier to live with the help offered by the Lord and His gospel than to go through life without it.  We still have to do our part and work hard, have dissapointment, hardships, trials, tribulation, heartache, etc in life.  But with the Lord on our side we can receive heavenly strength and come out stronger than before.

No matter what you have or are going through, don’t let tragedy define your life.  You are still here, so your work is not finished yet.  This thought really touched me as someone who struggles with depression and often feels worthless.  I recently attempted suicide and sometimes I wonder why I’m still here.  I often feel like a failure or inadequate to be a righteous and strong disciple.  And I felt the spirit speak to me so strongly when Brother Bytheway reminded me that if I am still here then I have a work to do.  And it’s not to sit around and feel sorry about myself, but to bring others to Christ and to share my talents, love, knowledge, etc.  The same goes for you!  No matter how you have felt or what you have done, you have a work to do!  You are still here on this earth and you have the chance to make a difference.  The Lord needs you!

One cool scripture that Brother Bytheway shared was Romans 8:35, 38-39 which says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, not things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Don’t you just love that?!  Christ loves us so much that nothing can separate us from His love.  Nothing has the power to overcome the love of Christ unless we let it.  Being truly converted to the gospel is a choice, and an important one that we need to make and commit too.  The love of Christ is so strong that nothing can overpower it!!  What more proof do you need that your Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ love you so much that you can’t even comprehend it!  

Christ willingly suffered and died for each and every one of us because He wanted us to be able to be have a second chance when we messed up.  Can you imagine a love so strong that you willingly suffer unimaginable agony just to bring others joy?  That is how much you Savior loves you.  And one of the most important decisions we will ever make on this earth is to come unto Him.  

This leads us right into the next scripture that I wanted to share from Brother Bytheway’s talk, Moroni 7:45-47.  “And Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Wherefore my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth  Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”  

Charity is the pure love of Christ, the unfailing, infinite love that the Lord has for us.  Did you hear how powerful and important charity is?  It is not only being Christ-like but being filled with the love of Christ.  It is the greatest attribute of all and one that we should strive to develop in our lives.  It will bring us so much joy to develop this trait.  It will change the way we see and react to the world.  And it will change our world.

Another scripture I found interesting in His talk was Doctrine and Covenants 42:46 which says, “and it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them.”  I don’t know about you guys, but I find this scripture comforting.  It doesn’t mean that we won’t ever die, for a vital part of the plan of salvation is to end our mortal life before being resurrected and gaining eternal life.  But I believe that it references spiritual death. That we will never experience spiritual death and our mortal death shall be a cause to celebrate because we will go back home to our Father in Heaven where we shall live forever with Him.  

I don’t know about you, but death has always been a fear for me.  Maybe that is because death is such a mystery and has so many possibilities.  One thing that I love so much about the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we don’t have to fear death.  Because the Lord will be with us if we choose to be with Him and our mortal death will be when we return home.  It is not a cause to dread but a reason to rejoice.  It will be a day filled with so much joy when the veil is lifted and we finally remember and recognize our dear Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ.  They will be filled with so much love for us and so will we for them.  I just find this reminder beautiful and am comforted to know that death isn’t the end but the beginning of something even more beautiful.  

One last thing that I would like to talk about from Brother Bytheway’s talk is the armor of God.  He brought up a good point, we can’t just strive to live the gospel of Jesus Christ but we must defend it and fight for it.  Ephesians 6:14-17 explains the different parts of our heavenly armor.  It says, “Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness.  And your feet shod with the preparation of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God.”  

Not only must we put on the armor of God daily but we must wield the sword of the spirit.  We must not just protect ourselves and watch as the world turns more wicked, but we must let the spirit guide us through these troubled times and have the courage to stand up for what we know is right.  We must fight the good fight with love and faith in the Lord and not give satan a chance to get through a chink in our armor.  Because satan was there in heaven with us.  He knows us and he knows what each of us struggle with.  He knows how to best manipulate us and desires to make us miserable like unto himself.  And we must always have on the full armor of God to protect us from his fiery darts.    

I would like to bear my testimony that our Father in Heaven loves us very much.  And so does His beloved son and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  They know and love each and everyone of you.  And they are always there to help us through the hardest trials of life.  All we have to do is ask for their help.  Do the simple things, they are the most important.  Read your scriptures, pray, go to church, and attend the temple and you will have the guidance and strength to overcome your trials.  Pray for help and turn towards the Lord in all that you do and He will direct you.  Put on the full armor of God everyday and stay focused on the gospel and the devil will have no power over you.  You are doing better than you think you are.  You got this!

When My World Turned Upside Down

It has been a hard week for me.  I start my new adventure and I am so excited and scared.  I gave up on life for a short time this week, got forced to temporarily leave school and my new home in Idaho, found out that I have a serious disorder, had an identity crisis, and I was tempted to leave the church.  I just don’t know how to deal with anything or what I’m supposed to do now. 

After spending the week struggling and being down, I was asked to leave school due to causing distress to others that cared about me.  I guess people were spending time worrying about me and it was distracting them from school.  I feel awful.  I was struggling with myself, but I tried to stay out of the way and deal with most of it on my own.  I had a few days to pack up and leave Idaho to go back home to sunny Arizona to get the help that I denied that I needed.    

The identity crisis and my gospel testimony lacking were related.  I woke up and realized that I live most of my life sad.  And I wanted to be happy.  I looked at the people of the world and felt like I was missing out on a lot of fun.  I wanted to look like the amazing girls that seemed to have it all.  I wanted to be able to go out and party and not have to worry what the Lord thinks.  I was tempted to leave the church.  Not because I don’t believe in it or love my Father in Heaven, but because I wanted a taste of the world.  What a stupid reason!  Obviously I checked myself and self evaluated where I stood in the gospel, but I really fought with myself all day on the subject.  I felt worthless and like I had already failed and let down the Lord so much that I might as well turn away and do what I wanted.  Looking back, I can’t believe the lies I was trying to convince myself, but at the time it felt right to me.  I gave up caring so why care what I do? 

Well as I went throughout my day I came to the realization that I was part of the problem.  I had let my testimony slip and didn’t work to do anything about it.  I had a strong testimony, but it was lacking.  I had spent the last several weeks so focused on being depressed that I didn’t really bother with scripture reading, personal prayers, or going to church.  I started losing faith and happiness because I didn’t put in the effort to get help from the Lord.  Heavenly Father loves us so much and is always there to give us the strength we need but we have to choose Him and I realized that I had been turning away from him.  We should always strive to be close to the Lord, but we desperately need Him with all of our souls when we are going through hard times.  He doesn’t take away our trials but He sure does make the tough times more bearable. 

Though it was hard at first to work on breaking the bad habits that I had started, I decided that I loved the gospel and wanted to be a diligent and loving disciple of Christ.  So I worked on studying the scriptures a little bit at a time, saying prayers even when I wasn’t sure what to say, and going to church even when I was scared or down.  I am not perfect and I still struggle with all of these things, especially since the change in heart was just recently, but I am trying.  I am trying to have the desire to serve the Lord and be like Christ, to do what is right even when it isn’t easy.  I am trying to be my best.  And that is all that the Lord asks.  If we put in our best effort, He promises to make up the rest. 

With that being said, my struggles are far from over and I am glad that I have solidified my decision to fight my battles with the Lord on my side.  Struggling with depression and anxiety is a hard thing to deal with day after day, but it got scarier when I was diagnosed with a serious disorder this week.  I still don’t know much as I’ve only known about this for a few days, but I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  It is similar to being bipolar except that the mood swings go up and down more frequently like during the week or even in the same day (in bipolar it is more like a high month and then a low month, so the duration is longer).  I learned that having this disorder makes it almost impossible to control my emotions and contributes to a lot of issues I have always struggled with such as how I view myself, crazy mood swings, unstable relationships, impulsive behavior, and even my self harm and suicidal thoughts. 

I always thought that all of those problems were just who I was.  I haven’t loved who I am or what I’ve done but I always felt stuck.  Now I know that not all of that was in my control but I now can get the help I need to gain control of my life and head in a better direction.  Though I am glad that we have discovered that I actually have a disorder, it scares me.  It scares me to think that no matter how hard I try to become better that I don’t have complete control over myself and my emotions.

  I know that the road ahead is long and hard but I also know that I choose Jesus.  I choose to turn to the Lord in my struggles and to do my best to stay positive and keep working on myself, even when things get hard.  I know that with the Lord anything is possible and that is only through Christ that you can truly change your heart and overcome your greatest temptations and struggles.  And I also know that no matter how dark things get or how many mistakes I made or how alone I feel, that I am never alone.  That the my Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ are always right there beside me, ready to help and love me, no matter what I’ve done or how I feel as long as I humble myself enough to turn to them. 

I am not the only one who is going through hard times right now.  So many of you are so strong and beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes.  I wish I had the strength some of you guys had.  No matter what life throws at you, I promise that the Lord and His gospel is the answer.  I promise that no matter how bad things get, you are never too far gone to turn to your Father in Heaven.  It is never too late to change and to find happiness.  Just keep fighting and remember that you are loved!  You are beautiful.  You are strong.  And you are worth it.  You are a beloved child of a Heavenly king.  And you got this!