It has been a hard week for me. I start my new adventure and I am so excited
and scared. I gave up on life for a
short time this week, got forced to temporarily leave school and my new home in
Idaho, found out that I have a serious disorder, had an identity crisis, and I
was tempted to leave the church. I just
don’t know how to deal with anything or what I’m supposed to do now.
After spending the week struggling
and being down, I was asked to leave school due to causing distress to others
that cared about me. I guess people were
spending time worrying about me and it was distracting them from school. I feel awful.
I was struggling with myself, but I tried to stay out of the way and
deal with most of it on my own. I had a few days to pack up and leave Idaho to go back home to sunny Arizona to get the help that I denied that I needed.
The identity crisis and my gospel
testimony lacking were related. I woke
up and realized that I live most of my life sad. And I wanted to be happy. I looked at the people of the world and felt
like I was missing out on a lot of fun.
I wanted to look like the amazing girls that seemed to have it all. I wanted to be able to go out and party and
not have to worry what the Lord thinks.
I was tempted to leave the church.
Not because I don’t believe in it or love my Father in Heaven, but
because I wanted a taste of the world.
What a stupid reason! Obviously I
checked myself and self evaluated where I stood in the gospel, but I really
fought with myself all day on the subject.
I felt worthless and like I had already failed and let down the Lord so much
that I might as well turn away and do what I wanted. Looking back, I can’t believe the lies I was
trying to convince myself, but at the time it felt right to me. I gave up caring so why care what I do?
Well as I went throughout my day I
came to the realization that I was part of the problem. I had let my testimony slip and didn’t work
to do anything about it. I had a strong
testimony, but it was lacking. I had
spent the last several weeks so focused on being depressed that I didn’t really
bother with scripture reading, personal prayers, or going to church. I started losing faith and happiness because
I didn’t put in the effort to get help from the Lord. Heavenly Father loves us so much and is
always there to give us the strength we need but we have to choose Him and I
realized that I had been turning away from him.
We should always strive to be close to the Lord, but we desperately need
Him with all of our souls when we are going through hard times. He doesn’t take away our trials but He sure
does make the tough times more bearable.
Though it was hard at first to work
on breaking the bad habits that I had started, I decided that I loved the
gospel and wanted to be a diligent and loving disciple of Christ. So I worked on studying the scriptures a
little bit at a time, saying prayers even when I wasn’t sure what to say, and
going to church even when I was scared or down.
I am not perfect and I still struggle with all of these things,
especially since the change in heart was just recently, but I am trying. I am trying to have the desire to serve the
Lord and be like Christ, to do what is right even when it isn’t easy. I am trying to be my best. And that is all that the Lord asks. If we put in our best effort, He promises to
make up the rest.
With that being said, my struggles
are far from over and I am glad that I have solidified my decision to fight my
battles with the Lord on my side.
Struggling with depression and anxiety is a hard thing to deal with day
after day, but it got scarier when I was diagnosed with a serious disorder this
week. I still don’t know much as I’ve
only known about this for a few days, but I was recently diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder. It is
similar to being bipolar except that the mood swings go up and down more
frequently like during the week or even in the same day (in bipolar it is more
like a high month and then a low month, so the duration is longer). I learned that having this disorder makes it
almost impossible to control my emotions and contributes to a lot of issues I
have always struggled with such as how I view myself, crazy mood swings,
unstable relationships, impulsive behavior, and even my self harm and suicidal
thoughts.
I always thought that all of those
problems were just who I was. I haven’t
loved who I am or what I’ve done but I always felt stuck. Now I know that not all of that was in my control
but I now can get the help I need to gain control of my life and head in a
better direction. Though I am glad that
we have discovered that I actually have a disorder, it scares me. It scares me to think that no matter how hard
I try to become better that I don’t have complete control over myself and my
emotions.
I know that the road ahead is long and hard but I also know that I choose
Jesus. I choose to turn to the Lord in
my struggles and to do my best to stay positive and keep working on myself,
even when things get hard. I know that
with the Lord anything is possible and that is only through Christ that you can
truly change your heart and overcome your greatest temptations and struggles. And I also know that no matter how dark
things get or how many mistakes I made or how alone I feel, that I am never
alone. That the my Father in Heaven and
Savior, Jesus Christ are always right there beside me, ready to help and love
me, no matter what I’ve done or how I feel as long as I humble myself enough to
turn to them.
I am not the only one who is going
through hard times right now. So many of
you are so strong and beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes. I wish I had the strength some of you guys
had. No matter what life throws at you,
I promise that the Lord and His gospel is the answer. I promise that no matter how bad things get,
you are never too far gone to turn to your Father in Heaven. It is never too late to change and to find
happiness. Just keep fighting and
remember that you are loved! You are
beautiful. You are strong. And you are worth it. You are a beloved child of a Heavenly
king. And you got this!
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