New Year, New Me

I’ve been struggling to move on from the past, especially when it comes to boys.  I have been working hard to change and start my life on a new path.  I have been learning to be confident in myself and to love myself for the person that I am, to depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and turn to them in my struggles instead of boys, and to make my own happiness.  I still have far to go and a lot to learn, but I am proud of the progress I have already made.  I am a completely different person than I was 6 months ago and my whole world is changing little by little everyday.  

But I still struggle.  I still have bad days, get depressed, and hate the person that I see in the mirror.  Some days I struggle with my self esteem and I’m even scared to talk to people or to speak up in class.  I still get super depressed and have panic attacks and battle with myself about self harm from time to time.  I still have a fear of the dark and some nights I barely sleep because I am filled with so much fear and flashbacks of some dark things of the past, things I wish I could forget.  I struggle with feeling lonely and repeatedly having my heart broken by guys who don’t treat me the way I deserve.  

I have grown so close to my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ since I have decided that I wanted a better life.  When I was forced to leave school half way through the semester and come back to Arizona, I was really struggling with my testimony.  I was at a low point in my life and struggling to deal with so many things that I had pretended never happened, even to myself.  I was living with a mental illness that I didn’t even know that I had until I attempted to take my life.  I just checked out from life for awhile.  I layed in bed, I skipped classes, I didn’t go out with friends, I faked a smile around my roommates, and I just cried and slept day after day.  Life passed me by and I didn’t care.  I didn’t go to church and my grades started slipping and I just didn’t care.  

Because I stopped caring and going to church, I also stopped being motivated to read my scriptures and to pray.  If I didn’t care then why would God care?  I knew the gospel was true but I was so ashamed of myself that I stopped caring.  I started to question everything and I lost the feeling of the spirit.  When I got home, I was a mess.  I was upset that I wasn’t finishing the semester with my friends and that I was back home where I struggled so much and was surrounded by some of the toxic people that had added to my problems in high school.  I wanted to be anywhere but here and I honestly still struggle being at home.  I slowly turned to the Lord and realized that the dumbest thing I could do during this hard time in my life was turn away from God.  

I started reading my scriptures and praying daily again and I attended church and the temple weekly.  I poured out my heart and soul to Heavenly Father, often sobbing as I knelt down beside my bed.  Honestly I still am frequently down on my knees bawling as I pray to my Father in Heaven.  Because life is hard.  And it’s supposed to be that way, but we aren’t supposed to do it alone.  I could not have changed so much or overcome all that I have alone.  I know that it is only through Christ that I was given the strength and guidance that I needed to turn away from the past and to start becoming the person that I wanted to be.  Honestly, I am scared of so much, but I feel my Savior beside me everyday, encouraging me to keep going and keep trying to become better.  

Only the Savior can heal my broken heart and help me to move on.  And I can feel Him doing that each day as I continue to turn to him and plead for His help through the Father.  It is only through the support, love, and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I have come this far and am able to carry on.  On the days that feel like too much, I turn it all over to God and remember that He loves me and has a work for me to do.  I have worth in His eyes no matter what others think.
  My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior has strengthened so much over these past several months.  As soon as I decided that I wanted to change and put in the effort to be happy and valiant, I felt the heavenly help and comfort of my Savior. I am so thankful that He is there and that He truly understands everything that I’m going through.  I have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who know my potential and believe in me, what can’t I do with them on my side?

I have far to go, but I am looking forward to the new year.  This is going to be my year.  I am going to say goodbye to the toxic people in my life, especially the boys who have mistreated me and continue to play games with me.  The ones that I should’ve said goodbye to a long time ago.  I am going to heal my heart from the past and focus on the future.  I am going to be a valiant disciple of Christ and daughter of God.  I am going to live worthily and happily no matter what trials life throws at me and I am going to stop settling on everything in my life.  I am going to start believing in myself and work hard to accomplish my dreams.  

I will live for the Lord and make Him proud.  And I will not wait around for a guy to make me happy or to feel amazing about myself.  I am in no rush to be in a serious relationship and when I do get into one, this time it is going to be with the right type of man who lives by the spirit, loves God, and treats me right.  It will soon be a new year full of new possibilities and a new mindset.  And this is just the beginning of the new me.      

This picture accurately portrays my true silliness and who I want to be all the time

Attitude and Discipleship

I was listening to a John Bytheway talk the other day and this talk had such an impact on me that I felt the need to write about it.  Being someone who goes to a church college (and loves it!) I see many people who are valiant and doing their best to live for Christ, but I also see many who take the gospel for granted and have a bad attitude about it.  I see so many kids in high school and college who walk a thin line between what is good and bad simply because their hearts aren’t fully converted.  They like the gospel but they don’t want to fully live its teachings in every aspect of their lives.  

Brother Bytheway captures this perfectly in his talk entitled “Get an Attitude”.  He says that many young people in the church have the bad attitude of how bad can I be.  They want to know how far they can go before it is too far to still be considered worthy in the Lord’s eyes.  This is such a bad outlook to have on life.  When you look at the gospel in this way, the commandments seem restricting and you feel like you are missing out in life if you try to be too good.  You don’t want to be bad, but you don’t want to be what others consider “too good" either.  People like this have one foot in the world and one in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  They walk a thin line of discipleship.

Instead of asking how bad we can be, we should be asking ourselves how good we can be.  I know sometimes people in the church can get a bad rap for seemingly trying to be “too” righteous or for being what others consider a goody two shoes.  Because the world teaches us that it is cool to live on the edge and be a little rebellious.  It isn’t cool to follow all of the rules and try to be perfect.  But true disciples of Jesus Christ don’t keep His commandments and strive to be like Him because they want to show off or think they are better than anyone.  They are obedient simply because they love the Lord.  And when you love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ with you whole soul, you desire to please them and to become more like them.

We should do things in the gospel because we want to, not because we have to.  We don’t have to go to seminary and institute or read our scriptures daily or serve a mission or share the gospel.  And we shouldn’t do all of these things just because someone tells us to.  If your heart has truly been changed by the spirit then you will want to go above and beyond to serve others and to live by the spirit.  Because being fully converted to Christ and His gospel changes your heart.  The commandments no longer seem like a long list of restrictions but they offer you freedom from the chains of sin and bring you true lasting happiness.

Next, John Bytheway asked a question that changed my life.  He asks, “do you have favorite sins?”  Take a moment to think about it.  We probably all have at least one sin in our life that we know we shouldn’t be doing but we really like it.  Maybe we watch a tv that are inappropriate or we cuss because everyone else does.  Maybe we don’t care about modesty because we love fashion and it is in to wear immodest clothing.  Maybe we drink coffee every morning because we like it and feel like it’s not really that bad for you.  Whatever it may be, we all have favorite sins, things we know are wrong but we don’t want to give them up.  

Then Brother Bytheway asked an even more impactful question, “what would you give up to know God?”  Would you give up your worst tv show?  How about your favorite dress or that cd you’ve listened to since you were a kid?  
When I first heard this talk, it really made me stop and think about my life.  I considered myself to be a righteous saint.  I read my scriptures, prayed, and attended church.  I tried to be kind to others and I loved Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  But when I really thought about it, I realized that I was guilty of holding onto favorite sins simply because they brought fleeting pleasure or because everyone else in the church was doing it.  I personally struggled with media and modesty when it came to favorite sins.  I didn’t watch anything that was rated R or wear ridiculously skimpy clothing, but I realized that I wasn’t doing my best to become a better disciple.  

It doesn’t matter if everyone else in church is listening to that one song or watching that one tv series, if you feel the spirit whisper to you that you can do better and should change something in your life, you should listen. No one can tell you what to do, we all have agency. And I’m just a teenage girl, who I am to tell you what to do? I know that sacrificing the things of this world to be closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior was the best choice I ever made.  And I’m not perfect, I still struggle to let go of media or to not buy the newest fashions.  But I work really hard to constantly go through every aspect of my life from music to books to clothes to make sure that I am living in such a way that allows for the spirit in all that I do.  I want to live in a way that is pleasing to God and allows me to feel close to Him at all times.  

I woke up one day and decided that I didn’t want to have a mediocre discipleship, I wanted to be all in.  It was a slow process of changing my heart to value the things of the Lord more than the things of the world and it is still something that I am working on. Because being a disciple of Christ is a lifelong process.  You don’t just reach a certain level and then say “I’m good”.  You have to wake up every morning and make the choice to follow the Savior and to put your spiritual armor on to protect you against the things of satan.  Because he will always be trying to drag you down so you will be miserable like unto himself.  Some days I feel satan pulling at me really hard and I have to turn to the Lord for the strength to stand strong against the temptations that are hardest for me.

Sometimes people make fun of me for trying to be “too righteous”.  People who I go to church with every week and who live the gospel too.  That seems to be a common thing in the church,for people to actually tease those who to are trying so hard to be like Jesus and to be worthy. But Brother Bytheway assures us that there is no such thing as being too righteous.  We are all at different levels in our discipleship and our conversion and we should never tease someone for trying to improve.  That is why we are here on this earth, to learn and grow. Ant that is what the Lord has asked us to do.  Article of Faith 13 describes this well, "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  We are meant to be different from the world!      

Living for Christ will never be easy.  Heck, Christ’s life was anything but easy.  But I promise that all of the sacrifices are worth it.  Maybe you won’t look cool to the world, but I promise that nothing compares to living a virtuous life.  Nothing compares to having a rock solid relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and knowing that you are worthy in their eyes.  

Child of God

You are a child of God.  It doesn’t matter what race, gender, or ethnicity you are.  It doesn’t matter what country you live in or what type of situation or family you come from.  It doesn’t matter what you have done in your past or where you are going in the future.  You, just for being you, are a child of God.  A son or daughter of a Heavenly King.  How amazing is that?!  Just take a minute to think about that.  

There is power in knowing whose you are.  In knowing that you have a divine identity and you are loved by the one who created it all.  I know that when I remember that I am a child of God, it changes the way I see the world and the way that I live.  Because I no longer have to be afraid.  I don’t worry about what others think about me or try so hard to look or act the way the world tells us is cool.  I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me so much for just being myself.  I don’t need make up, to have a perfect life, to have a certain amount of social media followers, or to wear a certain size of pants to have worth in my Father’s eyes.  Remembering that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there and that they love me for who I am and how I look gives me power.

I am filled with confidence in social situations where I am seen as different than what the world deems cool.  I am filled with courage to stand up for what I believe in even when I am alone because I know that I have the Lord right behind me.  Walking away from people who don’t hold the same standards that I do suddenly turns from scary to desirable because even though I may lose a few friends, it is worth it to me to have the spirit with me always and to surround myself with people who will respect my standards and help me to live them.  

I no longer feel like I am missing out on parties and events just because I stay at home reading or hang out with my family.  I love going out but I have learned that I would rather feel lonely at home but listen to the spirit than go out and find myself in situations that tempt me to compromise my standards.  That used to be super hard for me.  I liked being involved and feeling like everyone really liked me.  But I learned that staying close to Heavenly Father and having His spirit with me is more important than being popular.  

Sure, I feel like I miss out sometimes because I don’t watch or listen to a lot of the media that is popular nowadays and I no longer go out with people that don’t allow me to have the spirit.  I do feel lonely a lot and that can be hard.  But it is worth it.  It is worth waking up everyday and knowing that I am worthy in the Lord’s eyes.  It is worth not losing the spirit for a few hours when I go out with the wrong type of people.  You should definitely be kind to everyone and even friends with most, but that doesn’t mean that you have to spend time with people who make you feel uncomfortable, pressure you to lower your standards, or don’t allow you to feel the spirit.      

When this life is over, we can only take 3 things with us: our character, our intelligence, and our relationships.  That’s it.  The world is often so focused on looking successful, earning a certain amount of money, having the newest technology and the coolest clothes, etc.  But in the end, none of that matters.  None of it truly matters.  What does matter is who we are.  How we live and who we are striving to become.  What does matter is what we have learned and how we use that to continue progressing.  What does matter is how we treat people, especially those that we love.  These are eternal.  

Everything else in life fades away.  Trends change, hardware breaks, and money comes and goes.  When we die, nothing physical goes with us.  But who we are, what we know, and the people that we love are eternal.  How are you living?  How are you acting?  What are your goals in this life?  What is most important to you in this life?  Who are you living for?  And where is your heart?

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”  -Matthew 6:21

It is easy to get caught up in material possession and having a cool car and a big house and the newest clothes, etc, but in the end, that stuff isn’t what is truly important.  And when you remember that you are a child of God, that you have divine potential and a purpose, it changes your world.  It makes letting go of possessions and staying away from temptations easier.  It helps you to realize that you are beautiful just the way you are and that you have worth even if no one else sees it.  As you draw closer to Christ, your desire to become like Him deepens and how you treat those around you changes.  Suddenly being kind to others is more important than being right.  Being virtuous is more important than being popular.  

When you realize who you are and that you are never truly alone, it is powerful.  You suddenly realize that anything is possible with the Lord on your side.