My Story: What I Never Talked About

      This is something hard for me to talk about.  I haven't ever shared this story with anyone until now and I honestly thought about not sharing it.  Sometimes it is nice to have my business stay my business, especially when it is this personal and hard for me.  But then I think about all the people who are struggling with similar things that I went/am going through.  I think of how lonely you can feel when you are struggling and when your life can get so low that you try to take your own life.  If I can make a difference in just one person's life by sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself, then it is worth it.  That's why I do this.  I want to do all I can to use my experiences to help people.

WARNING:THIS WRITING IS A LOT MORE IN DEPTH AND DARK THAN ANY OTHERS.  IT TALKS ABOUT AN UNCOMFORTABLE SUBJECT THAT MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR EVERYONE AND IT IS VERY PERSONAL SO PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE.

Something that I personally struggle with is guys.  I never really thought about it until recently because it was easier to be oblivious to my problems than to deal with them, but I have a long past of being mistreated by guys.  They weren’t all bad guys or had bad intentions, but when a girl says a definite no (to anything) and a guy doesn’t respect her, I see that as the most awful thing a guy can do, no matter what it is with. (I do realize that boys and men can be abused too. But this is my story based off of the experiences I have had, so it about me, as a girl, being disrespected by boys).

Boys, you respect boundaries of the girls you are spending time with.  She is a person and not a toy.  It doesn’t matter if she would cave if you press her on the matter. If a girl says she has standards and is trying to do what is right, any self respecting guy will back off and listen.  I always thought (and I continued to think that for a long time) that how I was treated was normal or just how it is.  And maybe that is how things are viewed in the world today, but it shouldn’t be. Because once you learn to accept being disrespected, it just get's worse.

Girls, never stop fighting for your boundaries and to be respected and treated right.  Because if you let the wrong guy get away with a little bit, it never stops.  He will keep pushing and pushing until you are scared and can’t find a way out.  And if you eventually find the courage to tell him no after he has already gotten away with disrespecting you, he will just continue to push you to do things that you don't want to simply because he has already gotten you to before. Guys seem to push harder after they get a little bit because they know they can keep pushing until they get everything they want, even if it’s not what you want.  I’m not saying all guys are like this, but most of the guys I have foolishly been involved with have been this way.

Part of my problem is that I strive to see the good in people, no matter what the rumors are, which I think is a good trait.  But it can be a problem when there is a guy that is bad news and I try to give him a chance and bring out the good in him.  I want to make a difference and not judge based on their past, I mean I’ve made a lot of mistakes myself.  The thing is, this makes me an easy target for guys.  Having a big heart and a lot of self hate makes it easy for me to be manipulated by certain boys.  I struggle with my worth and loving myself, so I am quick to like anyone who gives me attention.  Instead of healing the hole in my heart by turning to the Lord, I tried to fill it with boys.

 All of the relationships I have been in started off good.  But a lot of them ended in controlling, scary situations that I barely had enough courage to get out of.  And no matter how far or not so far things had gotten, I was always left hurt and broken.  

It all started when I was 14 (and I have learned that for most of my friends, this is the same age that they have had similar experiences, which just breaks my heart). I was dating a boy that was older than me who really wanted to be physical. I told him no and he respected that for awhile. But that got too boring for him. After awhile he started seeing how far he could mess with me before I backed up what I said. I always said no but never stood up for myself.

I was sexually harassed and I just let it happen for awhile. I got used to it and just accepted it for a long time. He touched me how he wanted to when he wanted to. I never let him go all the way but it was still a scary time for me and looking back I wish that I stood up for myself better. I finally worked up the courage to break up with this boy and get away, but I was so ashamed that I kept this to myself pretty much until now. And I'm learning that so many girls go through similar experiences (some of my friends have sadly been through much worse).

I’ve been in relationships where I wasn’t physically mistreated but I was mentally messed with.  I have been with a guy who was respectful to my body but always liked playing mind games with me.  It was exhausting.  This guy might not have been controlling but he played with my feelings and emotions and it really messed with me.  The worst part was that he treated me with love and respect and was the greatest guy when we were alone, but he pretty much ignored me in public and at school (which made me feel worthless).  And after he got what he wanted, he shut me out and ignored me for months, no matter what I did.  

That isn't love or a good relationship. If someone is too scared or doesn't care enough to treat you well everywhere, in all situations, or hides your relationship, then he doesn't deserve value you like he should.    

The guy that played with my emotions became my friend later on.  We grew close, he was my big bro and I was his little sister.  He helped me and watched out for me and we spent a lot of time together.  I looked up to him and really cherished our relationship.  He was with another girl, but always saying that if that relationship didn’t work out, maybe we could try again.  He wasn’t unfaithful to his relationship, but that doesn’t make what he said ok.  It is not ok to be in a serious relationship with someone but talk about being with other girls behind their back.   And if a guy has you wait for him as his second option if things don’t work out with his current girl, run the other direction as fast as you can!!  That is just not ok.  

You deserve to be someone’s number one.  His first and only choice (obviously people break up and get into new relationships, that’s not what I mean.  I am referring to you being the one he choses to be with, not a backup plan). Not only is that not the type of guy you want, but that is just asking for trouble.  It ruined a friendship and some good opportunities for me and I’m lucky that’s as far as it went.

But it left me so hurt and broken that the brotherly relationship that I lost still hurts me to this day.  Not only did I have to watch the first boy I had ever loved fall in love with someone else, but I also was constantly confused about his feelings and intentions. And I grew to rely on this guy as a brother.  I told him everything and relied on him for help and advice with a lot.  I looked up to him and tried to make him proud and be like him.  He was the first person I called when I was struggling or suicidal.  He truly was family.  And when he suddenly went cold turkey from talking to me or being willing to see me, it shattered my heart into a million pieces.  I had lost my closest friend and someone I cared dearly about.

My next few relationships were controlling.  And one in particular was the one that really messed me up.  I was a rebellious teen who didn’t grow up in a gospel home.  I made a lot of mistakes in high school and my greatest one that I still deal with to this day was choosing to break the law of chastity.

 I don’t care what the world says or if your friends or boyfriend is pressuring you.  I plead with you to listen to the Lord and keep His standards.  I know that it can be really hard at times or even seem like the commandments hold us back, but I promise that the rules are there to protect you.  Your Father in Heaven cares for you so much that He gave you guidelines to help keep you safe spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  I plead with you to stand strong in the gospel. (I am referring here to actively making the choice to break the law of chastity; those who are victims of rape and abuse and are forced don't have a say and are in a different situation).  

And if you have already given into temptation, remember that it is never too late to change.  “There is no choice, sin, or mistake that you can make that will change the Lord’s love for you” (Ronald A Rasband).  It won’t be easy, the road to true repentance is long and hard.  But all of the heartache and work will be worth it.  You Father in Heaven loves you so much, no matter what you have done.  And He knew we would make mistakes, that is why the Savior performed the Atonement.  So that we could be forgiven and worthy again when we messed up.  

Going to the Lord and then the bishop with your mistake might seem like the most horrifying thing to do.  I was terrified.  I understand everything you are going through, I’ve been through it.  But I am here to tell you that everything will be ok if you are honest with your Father in Heaven and work through the repentance process.  Your bishop isn’t there to judge you but to help you get back on track when you mess up.  He loves you too and wants what is best for you.  And it does take a long time to change your heart and become worthy again, but it is worth everything to be made clean again in the sight of the Lord.  There is nothing quite like knowing that your Father in Heaven is proud of you.  And you can feel worthy again if you do what you know is right, go to the proper authority, and turn to the Lord for help.  

One of the guys I was with was controlling and always wanting to be with me or break the law of chastity, even though I didn’t want too.  It got to the point where I was dreading being around him.  But I couldn’t find my way out.  And the scariest part to me was that the boy I was with mistook this all for love.  He said he loved me and called what we had love, but I know now that it was lust.  Because when you love someone, you care for them and you treat them like they are special.  You don’t hurt them or use them to your advantage.  

If I said no then he would get really upset and scare me or keep whining and begging until he got what he wanted.  If he didn’t get it at least once a day, then he was awful. I was forced to do terrible things that I won't talk too much about because I am honestly scared to be married one day because of them. I am scared of what my husband will want in bed because I was forced to do things even if I didn't want too or was in a lot of pain or was crying. And the guy I was with thought it was ok because it didn't matter how I felt, it just mattered that he wasn't bored and he felt good.

 I was in a terrible, controlling relationship but I didn’t know how to get out of it.  I tried to break up with him several times and somehow things always ended up right back where they were. He would play with my mind and guilt me back into being with him and giving him what he wanted.  But I was always feeling worthless and down on myself, exhausted and stuck.  And I realized that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life living like that.

With the guidance of the spirit,  I was able to get away and find my way back to the gospel.  I found myself in a lot of bad situations because I didn’t fully commit to the gospel.  And that isn’t the case for everyone, some situations are beyond our control.  But for me, I was mistreated, raped, and felt worthless because I let myself spend time with boys that I knew didn’t uphold my standards.  There is nothing wrong with being kind to people who don’t live the gospel or believe all that we do.  But please be careful.  Who we spend time with tends to influence us and if you choose to ignore the spirit, you can find yourself is some pretty bad situations.  

Though I was never mistreated physically in another relationship, I found myself to be with more controlling guys that negatively affected my life and how I felt about myself.  I didn’t like how I was living my life but after being mistreated, it felt nice to have a guy who was nice and paid attention to me.  But that doesn’t mean that it was right.  Spending time together is good, but never able to spend time apart is bad for a relationship.  Being clingy isn’t cute, but is unhealthy and exhausting to deal with.  For me,  most of the time when I wanted to go do my own thing or go out the guy I was with either wanted to come, guilted me into staying, or made me feel bad for going by crying and being hurt.  

There were a few times that he got so upset that he was shaking and had to just walk out the door because he didn’t want to hurt me.  He would throw things when he went back home because he didn’t want to do that around me. One time I went out with friends instead of with him and he lost his temper so bad that I was actually fearful that he would do something to me. He grabbed me a few times when he got upset but thankfully I was able to get him to let go after asking and pushing him away and he walked out before things got worse.

He never hurt me physically but I was brought down emotionally all the time.  Not because he couldn’t see my worth or didn't think I was capable and beautiful (he saw all of these things in me and tried to be uplifting) but because I couldn’t take a step out of what began feeling like a cage without feeling guilty about it.  

The hardest thing I did was realize that he wasn’t the right person for me and call off my engagement.  Not only was it scary to face him, but it was scary to face the world, friends, family, and peers.  It was hard for me to take a step back and realize I didn’t even love the guy I had been preparing to spend the rest of my life with.

Being lonely or feeling worthless is something that I think we all go through at one time or another.  And it is hard, I can attest to that.  But that is no excuse to settle for less than God’s best.  When waiting for the right guy (or girl) get’s tough, please don’t give up!  The Lord has a plan for you and it might be hard right now, but if you wait patiently, you will be blessed with more than you ever imagined.  

 The guy I was with instantly got upset and threw a fit, cried, and tried to talk me out of it when I told him I was done.  I think it is good for guys to have emotions and to not be afraid to express their feelings.  I also think it is ok to be in love and feel hurt when things don’t work out the way you hoped that they would, but no matter how you feel, you need to respect a girl’s wishes when it comes to relationships (as well as her body).  

If she tells you she needs space or is done, there is nothing worse than having a guy who refuses to accept that and won’t leave, throws a fit, scares you, or says that there is no reason to live without you; someone who acts like a child and tries to get you to stay with them even when the situation isn't good.  I have encountered all of the aforementioned reactions between several guys and that is not how a gentleman acts.  And it is definitely not what a divine daughter of God wants in a priesthood holder.  

I am finally free from relationships for right now and I plan on staying like that for a little while.  I want to be with someone and get married and have a family one day, but I am not ready.  I have to face and overcome all of the things that have happened to me in the past with guys and I have to learn to love myself.  I shouldn’t need a guy to feel like I have worth and I need to be able to stand strong on my own before I let another guy in.

A guy shouldn’t complete you or be someone that you need to survive, you should be able to do that on your own.  A relationship is something you choose to do not because you aren’t strong enough or can’t do things on your own but because you found the right person and you choose to not do life alone.  He shouldn’t complete you but a guy should add to you and push you to continue to improve yourself and reach your goals (and you should do the same to him).

And the most important thing is to remember to put the Lord first.  A relationship without the Lord is like cookies without the chocolate chips.  They are still ok and even happy.  But why settle for less when you can have so much more!  Having a relationship centered on Christ and His gospel is worth it!  You will have an eternity together to learn, grow, love, and serve together with the Lord by your side.  What could be better than that?   

With the most recent relationship I was in, I felt stuck and like I couldn’t progress or continue working on myself.  And I wasn’t truly happy.  Now I am slowly working day by day to heal from and come to peace with my past, be truly happy, and come to know who I am and become who I want to be.  

I am at the point right now that I fear guys saying “I love you” because that is when things begin to change and I get hurt.  I have commitment issues and a lot of fear.  I fear the intentions of guys, them mistaking love for lust (which has happened to me), and being forced to do something that I don’t want to again.  I fear being controlled and losing my freedom.  I fear being in a relationship.  But more than all of those, I fear being alone forever, never able to find anyone to love me or being in a happy and healthy relationship when I am ready.  

I am starting to see the Lord's hand in my life every day as I work to change myself and recreate a more gospel centered life.  I am just trying to take it one day at a time and discover who I am and learn to love myself and be happy.  I am learning that we are never alone. Through all the pain and hurt in my life, the Lord has always been there. Christ suffered for me and He understands how I feel and what I need in my life. And no matter how worthless I feel, He always finds a way to remind me of His love for me.

I’m not going to let the fear, anxiety, depression, my past, suicidal thoughts, or anyone else win.  I honestly went through a time recently where I gave up fighting and attempted suicide and I now know that life is hard, but it is worth it.  I struggle with a lot of things, but I want to be here.  I want to change and grow, to make a difference in the lives of those around me, to live for Christ.  I know that through the Atonement and love of Christ that I can truly change and overcome my past.  And that it is only through Christ and His gospel that I will ever truly find peace and happiness.