The Gospel & Mental Illness

It’s days like today that I am reminded how thankful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.  Living life with a mental illness can give you some pretty rough days but I have come to learn that the Lord can help lift any burden.  In Matthew 11:28-30 the Lord says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  

I have come to learn that the best way to struggle with a mental illness is to rely on the Savior.  He can help us through all of our troubles and trials in this life and that includes physical or mental limitations.  That doesn’t mean that He will take our illness away from us, but He will help give us the strength we need to keep pressing on and help us to find meaning and true joy in our lives.  And our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, will always be there to love and support us, no matter what we are going through.  By giving our lives, as well as our pain or struggles, to the Lord, our burden becomes lighter due to the power of Christ.  He really does make our burdens easier to bear, not by taking them away, but by helping give us the strength we need and by carrying some of our burden.  

One thing that I love to do is pray.  I pray for guidance all day every day and I cannot say enough about how powerful it is.  I have a strong testimony of prayer.  It works.  I promise that you have a Father in Heaven who knows you and loves you.  And He is there.  He hears your prayers and pleadings and, in His time, He answers them.  I can testify of this.  I can’t tell you how many times that I have had a panic attack or was over stressed to the point where I can’t think straight (I personally struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, so over reacting to stress is a big problem for me) and I felt the prompting to pray.  I would cry and plead with my Heavenly Father to help me to feel peace and calm amidst all of the confusion and fear.  And I do.  When I rely on the Lord and pray for His help, I am still scared and stressed out, but I feel peace and His guidance in my life. And I am reminded that He loves me and I have worth.  Sometimes those are the two things that I need to hear most when I am going through a hard time.    

I’m still at the beginning of my journey with mental illness, but I know that I can still live a happy and healthy life if I continue to live my life for the Lord.  God is the only thing that can help fill the holes in my life.  Nothing else that I could own or do would ever compare to the lasting, eternal joy that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ offers.  Nothing could compare to the joy of obediently living the gospel.  I didn’t always believe or understand that, but I do now.  I see the hand of God in my life each and every day in both simple and big ways and I know that I wouldn’t have gotten this far without the Lord.  And I know that I can go so much farther if I continue to put Him first in my life and live by faith.  

Living by faith can be hard for someone with anxiety because I want to know what to do about everything.  And it can be hard for someone with a dark past who constantly has to live with the reminders of the awful mistakes I have made or the pain caused by others.  Depression and anxiety can make living by faith hard, but that is all the more reason to work day by day to get there.  I have felt so much relief and peace in just giving it all to God.  My questions, concerns, fears, depression, anxiety, all of it, can be given to my Savior when it all becomes too much.  And I am so thankful for that.  
Another I wanted to address is getting help.  There seems to be such a negative stigma about getting help for mental illness.  Like if you go to counseling or take medication then people are trying to fix you or you aren’t normal.  People find it acceptable to seek healing for physical infirmities but as soon as it comes to mental health, we seem to not want to talk about it.  But do you want to know something?  Getting the help you need is ok.  Needing help to feel happy is more common than you think and it is totally ok.  The Lord is there to help us, but He has also blessed us with some great tools on this earth to help us.  There is no reason to be ashamed for doing what is best for you and to help you heal mentally.  

I love my Father in Heaven so much.  I am so proud to be a daughter of the most high and I strive to make Him proud every day.  I love my Savior, and older brother, Jesus Christ more than I could express.  He has done so much for me when I didn’t ever feel that I deserved His love.  He suffered on the cross so that I could have a second chance at life after I turned my back on God.  He endured all of the griefs and pains I ever would so that He would know how I felt during all of the heartache and confusion and He would know how to help me.

“Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4-5).  Another great scripture that helps deepen my understanding of what the Savior did for me and my love for Him is Alma 7:12, “And He will take upon Him death, that He may loose the bands of death which bind His people; and He will take upon Him their infirmities, that His bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities”.

Isn’t that comforting?  To know that the Savior understands everything that you are going through and you are never truly alone?  It makes me love and grow closer to Jesus every day.  How blessed we are to have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves us so much and is always there to guide us.  And how blessed we are to have a loving Savior who not only suffered and died for us but who understands us and is always there.  Life might be tough at times but we have no need to fear if we stay close to the Lord.   

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

I still haven’t come to terms with having borderline personality disorder myself, so I know that it is hard for those around me to understand.  It is a difficult situation to relay but I will do my best to help you to understand just how confusing and tough it can be for me on any given day.  I don’t mean for you to take pity. I just want people to understand that, though I do mess up...a lot, I am doing my best.  

     Living with BPD is like waking up in a new life everyday.  Every hour is different for me, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals.  Heck, sometimes these all change within minutes of each other, making it hard for me to truly understand what I am pursuing or desire with anything in my life.  I will order food that I really want and by the time it gets to my table I don’t care for it anymore.  I will be excited to wear a certain style of clothes only to find out that a week later I want to go for a completely different style (and this applies to hair, makeup, and anything having to do with my image really).  At the beginning of the day I aspire to be a school teacher and in the middle I think medical school might be the thing for me.  But by the end of the day, I want to stop going to school and focus on horse training and competition.  

     Sometimes I come across as manipulative, and I hate feeling that I do that because I notice it too, but acting like that is not my intention.  I struggle with my words and reactions sometimes.  I have panic attacks with a lot of decisions or in certain situations simply because I have so many emotions running through my mind that I can’t decide how I truly feel or what I want.  I just feel confused and conflicted with every choice that I make.  And it is terribly exhausting to second guess everything I do...and then to second guess my second guess.  

     I also struggle with abandonment, which sort of ties in with the manipulative behavior.  Sometimes I come across as manipulative because I fear how other truly see me.  Like most of you, I want to be liked by my peers and have people in my life who truly love me for who I am and enjoy spending time with me.  That being said, I have a lot of issues with trust (I believe that is just due to experiences I have had in my life, not BPD), so I constantly second guess the motives of everyone that I am with.

     I often believe that people just pretend to be nice to me and don’t actually like me.  I second guess my look, behavior, and social interactions every second.  I hope that I don’t mess up and that I come across as funny and smart.  I fear that people just put on a fake face when they are around me and don’t truly care.  That they will leave me.  That is one of the reasons I struggle with guys, I am stubborn and independent so I want me freedom, but at the same time, I fear being lied to or left.      Another way my bipolar emotions make my life harder is when it comes to relationships, both with family and friends as well as those of the romantic variety.

    One second I am deeply in love and ready to be married and the next I don’t even know that I like the man at all.  One second I want to be surrounded and involved with people and the next I want to be by myself or vice versa.  No matter how things end up, I want the opposite and I get depressed.  I feel like I am constantly fighting myself and it is exhausting.  When you can’t win no matter how anything turns out, you start to go a little crazy and wonder if you will ever be happy.  I can say that sometimes I have good moments, but I don’t know that I can say that I can remember the last time that I was truly, really happy.  

   BPD also makes it hard for me to be rational sometimes, especially with myself, so I switch from one idea to the next with everything in my life from food to men to books (I can’t get through one book without getting bored or distracted with a different one).  I struggle staying interested in movies, hobbies, and events because my emotions about everything are constantly changing even if I don’t want them to.  If I frustrate you by being indecisive and changing my mind or viewpoint every minute, I am honestly just as confused and frustrated with my feelings as you are.  That is why my thoughts often lead to tears.  Because I am tired of running myself in circles about every little thing in my life and I honestly don’t know how I feel or what I want.  

   One minute I start liking myself and the next I am so depressed about how much I hate myself. Sometimes I eat like a normal person and other times I go hungry for days because I don’t think I am pretty enough.  But all of these feelings, insecurities, emotions, and fears are never constant, so I never know how I truly feel about or want out of anything.  Everything is different for me from week to hour, my world is new every day and that is a hard burden to bear.  

   There are days when I feel grown up and ready to go out and make a difference in the world.  But then later in the day I have anxiety and fears about being attacked by a murderer or I am bawling because my mind won’t stop imagining monsters and demons coming to attack me and I start to feel like I am truly in danger.  One minute I am an adult ready to be on my own, and the next, I am a child who is terrified to be alone.  It is exhausting.  

   So next time you are angry at me for being difficult or you don’t understand why I text five times within a minute, remember that I don’t act how I do to be a bother, it is just how the world appears to me.  I struggle with emotions and words sometimes and I constantly go in and out of depression and anxiety.  I don’t have a lot of trust in people and I have struggled all of my life to fit in.  I have a lot of social fears and abandonment issues and the world that I live in changes from hour to hour.  

   All of these things greatly affect my life in a negative way.  I have trouble focusing on and passing school, I can’t keep or get a job, and I don’t get into healthy or long term relationships.  Who I want to be, how I want to look, and what I want to pursue is a battle I wage within myself several times a day.  This isn’t how I want to live the rest of my life forever, but it is how I live right now.  I didn’t ask to have Borderline Personality Disorder, but it is something that I have to live with everyday.  

     I have a long, hard road ahead of me before I can know what it feels like to be happy or feel secure in myself and my relationships, but I know that anything is possible with the help of the Lord.  There is no cure for my mental illness, only learning how to control it.  So BPD and all of the chaos that comes with it is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I might need outside help from doctors but it is through turning to the Lord and staying true to His gospel that I will be able to get a better grasp on my life.  

Let's talk suicide

Since it is suicide awareness month, I thought I would write about my own thoughts and experiences on the subject.  I want to start by saying that suicide is becoming a big issue today.  So many people see it is their only option to escape a world that is overwhelming, unbearable, and filled with disaster.  You can lead a normal, happy life and still get pushed to the point of considering suicide, it isn’t just for people that are diagnosed with depression or mental disorders.  And suicide seems to be the go to solution when things get tough.

  Suicide is different for everyone.  For some people, the thought is there and haunting but they would never go all the way with it.  For others they try multiple times to end their own lives.  For some people it is as simple as swallowing too many pills and never waking up and for others it is putting a gun to their head.  Suicidal thoughts and the actions that come from those thoughts are a different experience for everyone.  

For me personally, I was the cause of my suicidal thoughts. I lived a pretty good life and people treated me well.  I had a good family and a fun group of friends.  But I tried to take on too much at once and be perfect at everything.  I tried working crazy hours and taking 16 college credits while holding a church calling, working with horses, and being engaged.  And maybe if I had dealt with everything better, everything could’ve been ok.  But I didn’t.  I let myself get depressed.  I was hard on myself for not living up to the impossible expectations I had set for myself.  I hated myself.  I thought I was ugly, untalented, not smart enough to finish school, unworthy of God’s love, not worthy of anyone’s time (whether that be friends or my at the time fiance), and so much more self hate.  I just wanted it to stop.  I wanted to stop waking up every day and bursting into tears before I had even gotten out of bed.  

I had trouble socially because I didn’t even like myself, so why would anyone else care?  It wasn’t that I wasn’t surrounded by wonderful, caring people or that I was the terrible failure I thought I was, but you become a product of what you believe, and I believed that I wasn’t worth it.  I had everything I could’ve asked for and I still was driven to the point of attempting to take my life.  I drove myself crazy.  And this wasn’t the first time.

Why do so many people nowadays feel like harming themselves or ending their lives is the only answer?  I’m not a professional but I am just writing based off of the experiences and observations I have made.  Society isn’t the cause to all of our problems, but it certainly is contributing to the suicide stigma.  Social media makes it so much easier to bully and stalk each other as well as give us unrealistic expectations of life (because people only post about the perfect moments of their lives).  We feel like we don’t fit in because the world tells us that if our lives aren’t perfect, then something is wrong.  But the truth is, we all feel this way.  We all struggle to find ourselves and to find our place in life.  We all want to discover who we are and build our own lives.  And we all want to be treated with kindness and find love.  

People can be mean and society isn’t perfect, but it all comes back to us.  Nothing can hurt us unless we let it.  I was always a sensitive person and I took everything to heart.  One mean thing being said to me would push me into depression for weeks as I would fester over the mean comment and add my own hate to it.  But what if we just let it go?  What if we just ignored the mean talk and forgave others and didn’t give it a second thought?  I know that it still hurts when people are rude or bully you, but it won’t take root in you and continue to grow if you don’t feed it.  

I still struggle with depression sometimes but as I have devoted my life to Jesus and worked to not care what the world things about me, I have seen a difference in my life.  I am happier and more forgiving.  The spirit helps you to let things go, reminds you of your worth, and just helps you find peace and comfort amidst the trials of life.  Jesus Christ is the only one who truly and fully understands what you are going through and can offer you the peace you seek.  

Jesus suffered and died for you because He knew you were worth it!  You have worth just for being a child of God, just for being you!  And if you want to know that in your heart for yourself, pray to your Father in Heaven.  You can receive that knowledge for yourself if you ask with an open heart.  And the wonderful thing about God and Jesus is that they are always there!  Day or night, good times or bad, you can always pray for their help.  I can’t tell you how many times I just bawled my eyes out to God and His peace and comfort saved my life.  He wants to help you and He is there.  Just like your Savior, Jesus Christ.  Not only did He die for you, but He has gone through it all, so He can truly understand anything you are struggling with whether that be betrayal, temptation, sadness, anger, etc.  He understands and He loves you.  

Suicide isn’t the answer, God is.  God is there to help you let go of the hate, anger, frustration, and fear and help you change your heart and your life.  He wants you to be happy and live in love.  And there is nothing wrong with seeking medical help if that is what you need.  There is no shame in talking to a counselor or taking medication.  These are tools here on this earth to help us become our best selves.  And sometimes, we need those tools to learn to become better and to lead happier and healthier lives.  I don’t know why mental illness or getting mental help has such a bad stigma, but it shouldn’t.

 Heavenly Father gave everyone on this earth different trials to overcome and for some of us, one of those trials is mental illness.  And that’s ok.  It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy or loved or beautiful or smart or amazing or that you have to live by a label.  It just means that your journey is different than that of those around you.  

Our lives are precious, they are gifts from God.  Our bodies are also heavenly gifts.  We were made in God’s image and He loves us just for who we are and how we look right now.  And it hurts him when we are hurting or we feel the need to hurt ourselves.  We are His beautiful children and He wants us to know just how cherished and special we are.  We don’t have to live up to the world’s unrealistic expectations to make it into the kingdom of heaven.  We don’t have to look a certain way to be loved by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ or to be saved.  God cares what is in our hearts more than how we look on the outside.  So we must take care of our spirits and emotional health just as much as we take care of our physical needs.  

Don’t be scared to pray for help or to talk to your friends, parents, or spouse.  You don’t have to be afraid to get the help that you need in this life to help you be happy and live life to the fullest. You don’t have to be ashamed that your journey is different than others.  You don’t have to live your life in fear or depression.  Change is possible and it starts with you.  You have to take action.  You have to make the choice to do something about it.  And that does seem scary, I know, but so many people love you.  So many people around you are going through the same things you are and you wouldn’t even know.  Just take things one day at a time and remember who you are, a child of God!  You are amazing and blessed in so many ways.  Don’t give up when things get tough, you can do this!  And you can’t do this alone, but with God all things are possible.